Tag Archives: ego identification

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Need

Need sucks. Literally. And we are the suckers.

Need is the ego’s super food. It is also its most essential food, and has the nutritional value of a sucker. But since suckers can be so sweet and tasty, it is hard to resist them. Living in ego identification requires a lot of energy, both psychologically and physically. The more we think, the more our brain is working, and the brain uses a lot of energy. Add to that the psychological energy of thinking and we end up with a very exhausting combination. And it never ends, it is incessant. It knows no bounds, it never stops. Need is like a psychological virus. And I know that people have trouble with the idea of need being a ‘bad’ thing. Aren’t there the ‘basic needs’ that have to be met for all of us? Doesn’t everyone need food, water, or even basic human dignity? That belief around need makes it very difficult for us to even entertain the possibility that it might be a choice.

I am not saying that need is ‘bad,’ I am saying that it is never ending and very limiting. I am also saying that we actually don’t need anything. When this first showed up for me, I had a lot of trouble with that idea, but then I decided to consider it. This has made a huge difference in my daily life. We really do not need anything. Even the idea that we need food or water is inaccurate – our body does not need food. It uses it to function and be alive, and when it stops receiving the sustenance for its survival, it stops functioning. It has no feeling about this, the cells in our bodies simply reproduce and do what they do, and they stop when they cannot go on. They don’t feel any need around it.

Now, if you’re with me so far, the next leap will make sense to you: we choose to need. In fact, everything we are and experience at any time in our lives is a choice. So it is with need. I can choose to say that I need to be loved, that I need to make more money, that I need someone to do something specific for me in order for me to feel good about them, I can choose to need specific things, people or circumstances in my life in order to feel good. It is our choice. Period.

When we are in full ego id mode, however, choice tends to disappear from our view and we often become victims to circumstance as well as our need. Since living as my ego is all about me, me, me, so is need. An ego identified life is based in need. The basic need to exist. It’s all or nothing, and thus the ego has a limitless need to prove its own existence and make it more real. Once we are committed to that charade of life, need takes over. Sometimes need even comes along dressed up as a selfless idea. I need to give to people. But it is about me. My needs have to be met. Then I might meet someone else’s as well. Need comes with a constant give and take, first within ourselves and then with the world around us. It starts out as a harmless want, quickly turns into a need, and eventually ends up as greed. These are all varying degrees of the same thing. It is a veritable mental food chain.

Check it out for yourself. Notice the next time you feel the need for something. It doesn’t matter whether it is about something you need physically or psychologically. Whether it’s something you need to own or be. Whether it is ‘I need a new car, house, job, partner, etc.’ or ‘I need to be valued, recognized, tell someone off, take a stand, etc.’ The next time a need comes along, see how it feels. Feel the urgency rising in you, however slight. Notice that it feels very important and wants to be taken very seriously. If you notice it, you will also realize at that moment that you may choose not to be interested in it. You can choose to let it be and not follow through on it and see what happens.

You have nothing to lose except the constant and uncomfortable urgency that comes with need. You have nothing to lose but the limitation that need puts on you and the options before you. Step out of your need and into your preferred choice at the moment, and watch new options show up out of nowhere. It’s quite amazing.

Cheers,

Ralf

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Ego attack

Ego attacks can come in all varieties, from vicious and mean to subtle and sweet. That makes them so tricky.

I had one the other day. It came out of nowhere and was the vicious kind, the kind that comes at you like a hurricane, except without warning. You find yourself in the midst of the worst mental shitstorm imaginable. It comes at you from all directions, and it knows exactly how to hit you in the most effective way possible. Those storms pack quite a punch and can overwhelm us in no time, because the devices used are usually deadly. This ego is made up of our collected memories and thus it knows all intimate details of our lives. This is what is utilized in a full blown attack. All the registers of a well informed agent provocateur are put in play to scare us into submission.

If it’s one of the vicious attacks, it will usually come at us with all kinds of ideas around our failures and shortcomings. We haven’t done enough, we are too lazy, too dumb, too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too careless, or not trying hard enough, not ever going to make anything of ourselves, and on and on it goes. There is one thing all of the arguments have in common, they are fear mongering in one form or another. Then we panic. What if this is all true? What if we are failing in some major way? After all, we all want to be responsible people at the end of the day. So then we begin to consider the very urgent and alarming arguments set before us, and bingo, we are hooked. We get sucked into the drama, and once that happens, we have to deal with it all. We can either work through the list of challenges one-by-one, or go into denial about them all by arguing our way out and around them. No matter what we do, we are now in full ego identification in all its glory.

The other way the ego attack can come at us is the subtle and sweet kind. It tells us in some way that we are so great, perfect, deserving of praise and generally wonderful. It’s like watching a hurricane from the safety of a bunker. It doesn’t seem to be based on fear, because it feels really good and lulls us into a state of comatose self-delusion. This self-delusion is the fear part. The delusion that I am nothing but this wonderful ego, which has to constantly be afraid of not being good enough, perfect and wonderful. Buying into this one will usually lead to complacency on one end and big time arrogance on the other end. And neither one of those ever allows us any peace.

Both attacks have in common that they are made of the ego and nothing else. It is about me, me, me. So whether we fall prey to a sweet or vicious attack, we always end up in the same place as a result. So what is there to do?

To get into the eye of the storm. When I had my attack the other day, I was taken aback, because I had not experienced this level of intensity in quite a while. For a moment I was like a curious customer checking out the goods presented for sale. I picked it up, looked at it and considered whether it could be useful. I considered all the scary crap my ego was throwing at me. And it felt awful. It also felt overwhelming. That’s when I stopped for a moment and looked at what was going on. That pause is the eye of the storm. That is the moment or space where we get to see what is going on, and that opens up choice. To choose whether we want to continue to listen to the shitstorm or not. If we choose not to engage, we stay in the eye of the storm, it is still going on around us, but we can watch it and feel calm in the midst of it. If we do this, it subsides surprisingly quickly. For me that meant making a run to the grocery store, not talking to anyone and simply watch the bs my ego was throwing out at me. Once I got home, it had moved on.

All we have to be is willing. Willing for this to pass us by. To be willing to consider that the storm is of our own ego’s making and has no meaning or reality beyond that. The next time you see the storm coming, or find yourself in the midst of it, see if you can remember that every hurricane has an eye, and put yourself there.

Cheers,

Ralf

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More honesty…

After writing the last post on honesty and authenticity, more came to mind about it, specifically my own learning around this. To actually be honest with oneself is a toughie to say the least.

When I began to catch on to my incessant ego machine, I was shocked and horrified with how deep the rabbit hole of this was. It was mind boggling, and frankly I had my doubts that I was ever going to be able to get away from this monster that had taken over my life. It felt like a tumor that had spread into every nook and cranny of my existence. How can one get rid off something like that? Die? That was one option I considered, because I was not going to continue to live like this, no matter how. Then I discovered that honesty with myself was going to get me headed in the right direction. I thought that would be easy and ‘do the trick.’ Well, let me tell you, I found out that real honesty with one’s own bs is not for the weak…

The hard part was to realize that I could not believe anything I was telling myself anymore. Nothing. It was a mental tabula rasa if you will. During that time it was almost unbearable to look at the constant shitstorm of my own psyche, everything I was thinking was a lie, a lie based on a lie nonetheless. Everything I was thinking about me or anything in my world was based on the lie of my complete ego identification. Based on this lie, I then told myself that I had to make sure to look good, get my share and generally try to make out ok. This became the basis of my existence, which meant that I would lie to myself and everyone else to varying degrees about pretty much anything that would serve my purpose. That is what I had to face and be honest about.

In the ensuing weeks and months I got to practice being honest about my own thinking. Was I asking someone a question out of curiosity or actually running some kind of agenda? When being nice to someone, was I trying to gain something from them, and thus really for me? Whenever I would make deals with myself, wasn’t I simply avoiding some deeper fear I was running from? When talking to my family, friends or loved ones, was I not trying to manipulate them in even the smallest of ways for my agenda? When meeting new people, was I only talking to them because I would ultimately gain something from it? You can tell that this was quite encompassing and exhausting. In the beginning of being honest with oneself, it can be very discouraging to see what we do to ourselves on a daily basis. The lies we employ to manipulate ourselves and everyone else are truly stunning when seen in the light of awareness. But it gets better and it is worth it.

Now I find myself in a place of a much quieter mind that is not focused on me, myself and I as much, though I certainly can have my moments. Honesty about those moments, owning them and at the same time not holding on to them makes it much easier to be. Plus, when this kind of honesty becomes a habit, there is not much room left for the bs we like to produce, and if we do, it is honestly very uninteresting. I am no longer interested enough in the lies my ego tries to whisper in my mental ear in an attempt to take over and make my life miserable again. Because that is exactly where it will lead, and I have been there and done that.

So honesty of the helpful kind, the kind that is not of the ego, really challenges us to stay the course of authenticity with ourselves and thus the world around us. It is not for the weak, it takes rigor and discipline in the beginning, only to get easier with practice and eventually becoming part of who we are: someone who is no longer interested in the dishonesty and lies of an ego identified life.

The next time you catch yourself in one of those sneaky little and oh-so-comfortable lies, stop and take a look at what you’re doing. And then choose whether you would like to see what happens if you didn’t believe yourself.

Cheers,

Ralf

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Honesty

There is honesty, and then there is authenticity. Two completely different things.

Honesty is most certainly a virtue, but in a world running rampant with ego identification, it can also be a big problem. When I am in full ego id mode, my opinions and thoughts about myself and all else around me are all I see, and they are what make up ‘me.’ What this ‘me’ thinks is of existential value, and thus has to be expressed and defended at all times. We are talking about our very existence after all. This ego has to express itself to other egos in a dance of meaningfulness, and telling the truth about the other egos and/or one’s own ego is the hallmark of honesty in this. Only that this honesty is based in an illusion to begin with, and thus tells the ‘honest truth’ from this limited self. A self only interested in its self.

This limited approach to ‘me’ is laced with self-interest and what I may express out of this position as an honest thought, is in fact nothing but a product of this state. In this state of full ego id, my thinking tends to be judgmental in one (mild) form or another, and about me, me, me. So what I think of as an ‘honest’ answer, suggestion, or observation, is really an attempt of the ego to make itself more real with the person or circumstance at hand. This is especially true when emotion is afoot. Telling someone (honestly) that their behavior is wrong, inappropiate, insulting, hurtful or bad in some way is an ego’s way of showing up to draw its line in the sand. Telling someone (honestly) that they are wonderful, perfect, incredible or awesome is an ego’s way of showing up to try and connect with someone else, at the ego level.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that honesty is bad, I am simply suggesting that the ego based honesty we often celebrate is at best limited, and at worst self-serving. Don’t believe me though, you can observe it in yourself. Haven’t you ever been in a moment of awareness, where you watched yourself being honest with someone, and you knew right at that moment that you were not telling a truth? A moment where you knew that you were saying this only to manipulate or control the person/circumstance to be right? That is all I am talking about here. We all know at the end of the day that when we were being ‘honest’ like that, we were in fact full of it.

Authenticity on the other hand is a state of being. This is not something one can do, but only be. And as I like to say, you cannot do being, you can only be it. You can’t act authentic. We all know authenticity when we encounter it. It’s a feeling, and it’s pretty obvious. An authentic person does not have an agenda, they do not seek to manipulate, convince or control in any way. This is not interesting to them. They will listen a lot more than they talk, they are not interested in opinions, and they will not judge people for them. They have preferences about things, and they will not participate in anything that does not feel right to them, but they are not acting this way, they are this way. They speak to things and how they see them, without any expectations, because their ego is not involved.

To ego identified people, these characters look weak, because they don’t run around promoting themselves or their opinions and ideas. They are not interested in making other people think the way they do, and what others may think about them does not matter. These qualities all fly in the face of the ego, and the ego does not know how to be around this, because there is nothing to latch on to. So it cannot engage with someone like this. Thus it will either try to fight or ignore them. Same with ourselves.

Next time you are telling someone something ‘honestly,’ pay attention to how it feels. Check in on your emotion meter, it’s probably going off. As always, it’s your choice what you may do with that information.

Cheers,

Ralf

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Standing next to yourself

Have you ever experienced this, where you are in a situation, you react to it and almost at the same time you hear yourself think or talk and then wonder what is the matter with you? I certainly have. It’s an interesting and odd feeling when it happens, almost as if you were talking to someone else. But aren’t we?

In my mind this is exactly what is happening in those moments. We are literally seeing ourselves in action, we notice what we are thinking, and doing or saying as a result and we literally wonder what is wrong with us. But we never stop to see this moment as impactful as it actually is. We are actually watching our ego in action. We are being the observer. And what do we usually do with it? We laugh it off or turn into a funny story to tell others. Every single one of those times is a missed opportunity to see something beyond the usual story of who we tell ourselves we are.

Rather than thinking of it as standing next to yourself, think of it as being next to yourself. Because we have to be in a moment of awareness or being in order to see ourselves operate like that. That’s a beautiful thing. We get to be aware of the part in us that is doing the reacting, the story telling, in other words: the ego. The one who is aware, is the being. This is good news to me, because I used to believe for years that all this being stuff was for the evolved, the enlightened and real devoted spiritual people, and that unless I completely changed my life circumstances I would never get to be. Not the case.

Being is what we are all the time, whether we believe it or not. There is nothing we can do to change that. Whether we are aware of this makes all the difference, and that is also all that it takes.

To be aware.

Awareness is powerful, it changes our perspective on whatever we focus it on. It gives us a chance to step outside of the routine of our story and ego identified ways and see them. Seeing ourselves operate like that gives us a choice at that moment to walk away from our own story and let it pass, and instead stay in the awareness. When we choose that, we are instantly in a state of being. It really is as simple as that. But as simple as it is, it is also as powerful. It’s also very hard to do when we are completely committed to our story and think that this is who we are, because this story needs perpetuation in order to keep us from realizing the one thing that this story of ours is designed to hide from us: that we are not permanent. And that scares the hell out of our egos.

But it is really simple. Seeing ourselves operate and going further with that awareness is all it takes to break the cycle of ego identification and instead be. The good news is that this is not a one shot deal – we get to choose this every moment of our lives, again and again. And when we do choose awareness instead of the ole story, our lives are transformed instantly. And then we look for it more and more, because it feels so natural and wonderful. And eventually we lose all these important ideas of who we think we are, and what we think our lives have to be about. It becomes uninteresting and instead we are filled with this sense of momentness (just made up that word).

Next time you are watching yourself do something, stop for a moment and realize what is happening. You are being aware of yourself, plain and simple. Question is, what will you choose at that moment?

Cheers,

Ralf

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About

As we are coming to the close of another year, the idea of resolutions comes up a lot. It feels good to look back at what has been and to look ahead to what will be, what the new year may be about. Why is that?

I find that when we are fully in ego identification that every thought we have should be about something, it should have a reason to exist, at the very least it needs to mean something. The ego abhors idle or meaningless thinking. Since in this state of identification everything is about me, me, me, it’s always about something that somehow relates to me and my needs. This is serious business that requires my attention, because by having these thoughts and expressing them, I make myself known to the world. Without doing this, I would not exist, the ego tells us. By doing so it operates under the guise of fear, the fear that we may not exist without having all these thoughts about ourselves and the world. After all, ‘I think, therefore I am.’

This fearful thinking can show up in all kinds of forms, but it always has at its core the idea of disappearance without it. It does not matter what the content or flavor of my thinking may be, it is designed to make the experience of me more real. I may be scared, hopeful, depressed, arrogant, happy or sad, as long as my thinking happens from an ego identified perspective, it has to be about something. That is very limited and tiring thinking. It never lets me rest. The project of me is a 24/7 affair after all, and it is the most important project we can undertake. If there ever is a moment of idle thinking or even no particular thought, it may feel nice for a moment, like taking a rest, but then we quickly turn back to the business of thinking about something meaningful.

This type of thinking always has to be about the past or the future, as usual all of this has to be time bound and focused. And at the end of a year it makes perfect sense to reminisce about the past twelve months and look forward to the next twelve. But when we are our ego, the future cannot be unknown, because that feels uncontrollable. What if we didn’t do that? What if we allowed ourselves not to have any particular thoughts about the future? In ego identification this is at the very least a weird idea and at worst frightening.

But what will happen if we simply say to the future, ‘I don’t know you and I have no reason to know you?’ That is what is actually going on of course. We have no idea what the future is, or rather, that is actually all we have, an idea. Why not simply be now and here instead of nowhere, which is what it feels like to the ego when we don’t have an idea about the future. Let us be open, trust that our thinking will serve us in the best possible way given the situation. Let’s trust that we will have the right ideas at the right time, the inspiration to create something new, and the means to put it all together in the perfect way. That our thinking naturally shows up in the most meaningful and appropriate way given the situation, that it will do its job and move on. What would life be like?

Let’s welcome the new year without an agenda, a goal, or a fear about the future. Let’s instead welcome the year as an unknown, something that has no meaning yet and something that will unfold in whatever way we choose. Let’s be willing to say “I have no idea what will be.’ And because of that, anything is possible.

Cheers,

Ralf

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Marriage

I once believed that my future wife and I would have a loving, peaceful, kind and drama-free relationship. And then I got married …

We were young and in love, and we were both addicted to our drama, which was completely based in our full blown ego identification. This lead to what we would think of as a fairly happy and normal marriage. We had our ‘differences,’ we had our fights, but you got to have make up sex for those. We would gladly take breaks from each other by hanging out with girlfriends or best buddies, and we would try to communicate the needs we each had as best we could. We would try to fight fairly. I knew when my wife was in a good, bad or indifferent mood, and I would know exactly how our (my) day or evening would go as a result. Fights had a clear structure, we would know who would start it, how it would go, how dramatic it would get, and where we would end up as a result. It sometimes felt as though it was completely scripted, and completely predictable as a result. But this was also normal, and in certain ways comfortable, because it was so predictable. There was such a familiarity with it that it also felt certain and safe in a way.

We kept tabs, too. On all kinds of things. We would remember who did what last, how many times, who had messed up how badly in how many ways, who had disappointed, hurt, forgotten something, broken a promise or not delivered on something. And based on that emotional list of errors, trespasses and wrongdoings, we would know in our own minds who had more to make up for. This was marriage after all, and marriage takes work and commitment. It also means give and take. And that’s what those lists were helpful for. So when the other made up for something on the list, it would feel good, we would feel closer and love(d). For a while things would go well. Only it didn’t last. We both figured out that this was not working for us, and we got very amicably divorced. We are much better friends than spouses.

I promised myself that there would only be a next time if it could be like the first sentence at the top. I thought that was a long shot. And then I met my second wife.

We have been together for almost seven years, married for four, and I can honestly say that we have not once raised our voices to each other in anger in that time. We have had three fights exactly, and to an outsider they would have not looked like much. I have not once had a disrespectful or mean thought about my wife in all this time. Not a single day goes by that I am not grateful for having her in my life. She tells me that she feels the same. We love to hang out with each other, and we literally are sad when one of us has to go on a trip for a few days or weeks and will not be around. We talk a lot, and we are also quiet with each other a lot. We just really enjoy each others’ company. In the beginning, when people asked how things were going with us, I almost didn’t know how to answer that, because I felt strange about having such a loving, peaceful, kind and drama-free relationship. It was eerie. As though there was no way it could last. It did and it still does.

Now sometimes people ask us how we do it, they think we are extremely lucky, they think it can’t last, or that we are lying. We laugh and wonder how we would answer the question, and here it is:

We do not have any expectations of each other. None. Zero. Zilch. Seriously, none.

We love and accept ourselves the way we are, at all times. We ask things of each other, but always free of any expectation. We say what we see when we need to, but we have no expectation of the other to have to see it too, or to have to change as a result. We each get to do what we choose, because we both cherish the freedom to choose above all else. We choose to be with the other every moment, and we know it. We don’t expect to be loved or to be together forever, but in doing so that is exactly what happens. There is a tremendous freedom and joy in being with another person without any expectation. There is no room for ego identification in this. Once that sneaks in, it feels like dirt dropping into pristine water.

No expectations. Try it out in your relationship with yourself first, and see what happens. You may just like it. Then try it with a loved one. You may just love it.

Cheers,

Ralf

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(Dis)Connectedness

This theme has been going through my mind in the past few days.

When I was part of the spiritual scene, this term was used a lot. People often spoke of feeling disconnected and looking to be connected to others, something I was annoyed by. The whole theme had that ‘kumbaya’ taste to it, something I really had trouble with and ultimately kept me at arm’s length from the spiritual community. I have always been too much of a pragmatist to go for that sort of thing. At the same time I knew that somewhere within me the notion of (dis)connectedness was important and made sense, I just didn’t know how.

In the recent past it has come up again, and it makes sense in a completely different way now. I used to think that in order to connect to other people, I had to be interested in them, like them and have the ‘you’re ok, I’m ok’ attitude. Only, this was exceedingly difficult. I would come across people that were annoying, dumb or a waste of my time with their odd or stupid ideas. Not much connection happening there … It seemed a tall order to try and overcome these judgments in order for me to connect with them, and then the question of ‘why?’ still remained. I was experiencing other people through my ego, and vice versa. There is only a very limited connection, if any, possible this way. Here you have two people, completely living as their ego, in full ego identification mode, trying to connect to another for ego reasons. It does not matter what my story about this connection I am seeking is, whether I want to meet someone like minded, I am looking to advance my own agenda, to be appreciated, liked, loved, or whether I am trying to make myself or the other look good or bad, no matter what that reason is, I will not be able to truly connect, because we are only connecting on the limited ego level at best. And, I am not connected to myself to begin with.

When we live as our ego, we are experiencing our own self through the limited idea of the ego story. We are disconnected from the part in us that we are, while the ego is actually only what we do. Have you ever had a moment where you watched yourself doing something and thinking at the same time, ‘what the hell am I doing?’ That is the being in us watching the doer. When we see this played out and choose to stay with the ‘being’ part, we reconnect to our Self. We instantly realize that there are these two aspects to us, and that the being part is the real deal. That moment of reconnection changes everything. The jig on our ego identification is up. We see it everywhere and all the time, quite overwhelming at first, and then see it all around us and in others. We see that other people are in the same boat and that they fall for the ego con in varying degrees as well. In seeing this first in ourselves and then all around, we not only feel connected to our Self again, but we also see the that we are all connected to each other through this adventure called ‘life.’ It’s the whole ‘No man is an island’ thing realized. Pretty cool actually.

Ever since I have had this increasing experience of being, which I also call ‘wysiwyg,’ my life has become simpler and clearer. And it comes naturally to see the same playing out in others, and that there is a connection at that level at all times. Whether they experience themselves in this way or not makes no difference. When we feel a sense of connectedness to our own Self, we feel it with others. Thus we can be with other people in a completely different way. It doesn’t matter who they believe to be at their ego identified level, because we are tuned into a different frequency. We are sending and receiving on a frequency that takes place on the impersonal level. The drama and details of our stories are simply that. It’s a very different and much more fun way to walk to through life and feel connected in this way.

Next time you see your Self, say hello and hang around. You might enjoy the company.

Cheers,

Ralf

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Busyness

The other day I was listening to someone talking about the busyness in their life, only they didn’t realize what they were talking about.

It is so interesting to see how we have come to look at ‘being busy’ as such a badge of honor. Someone who is busy is equated with being valuable, a hard worker, and a good person. Unless they get too busy and begin to suffer. Much like it is with having an ego. There are very different forms of busyness, we can simply be physically busy, we can be busy with meetings, chores, general appointments and things that ‘need to get done.’ This is all very obvious and there are many people out there offering all kinds of tools to be more effective with this kind of busyness. I am talking about another kind of busyness though, the kind this person was unknowingly demonstrating.

There is an underlying self-absorption going on that keeps us busy in a very subtle but powerful way. It tells us that we constantly need to think about ourselves in one form or another, because if we don’t, we basically aren’t functioning or exist. It is incessant. This self-absorption is all about me, me, me. I have to think in order to exist, and I have to express that thinking to the rest of the world in some way to show that I exist. This can take on limitless forms of course. It can also be tricky, because a quiet person in the corner that feels that no one likes them and that they have nothing to contribute may look like they’re not busy, but they are just the same. They are simply busy thinking about themselves in this particular way of unworthiness, rather than worthiness, and it shows up differently. But this is the same self absorbed thinking on two different ends of the ego identification spectrum.

This busyness eats up our lives. It won’t ever let us rest, for even when we are ‘resting,’ we are thinking about the fact that we deserve or need this rest as a break from the busyness … It is so incessant because this type of self thinking is entirely focused on my existing. There is a built in idea in our ego identification that requires this type of thinking to make me real, to make me more permanent in this world and life, which this ego sees squeezed into the life span. So it makes perfect sense to do this. This also creates a never ending restlessness and underlying urgency to all things me, because I only have so much time to accomplish whatever I choose to. This is a very hard way to live. And it’s always dramatic to varying degrees.

There is a whole other way to be in this life. It requires a willingness on our part to have some perspective, a perspective that goes beyond the time bound and limited idea of ‘me.’ Every religion or spiritual tradition that humanity has ever created is pointing to this perspective in one way or another. Funny enough, even Atheism is ultimately pointing beyond this life as well. Whenever we step into this perspective, something inside shifts. We have a bigger sense of space inside, more time, more peace with everything. The urgency drops off and we can see our own lives a bit more impersonally. This sense of the impersonal, looking at our own lives as more of an episode in a larger stream of all that is this life and beyond, expands us. With this comes a decompression, quite literally, because we see ourselves more as an aspect of something larger rather than this small me compressed into what I call my life. Busyness has no place in that. Here we are simply taking action when required and have the thinking necessary to deal with the life situation at hand, no more and no less. Decisions come easier, choices are clearer and life in general loses a lot of its drama. I begin to participate in what I observe to be ‘my life,’ rather than being that life. It really takes a load off.

I hope you will play with this perspective and see what happens.

Cheers,

Ralf

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Opinions

Opinions are so uninteresting.

We are all raised to believe that having an opinion is very important, and that being able to express it or stand up for it is a sign of a strong person. In a world of ego identification that makes total sense, doesn’t it? If I live my life as my ego, then everything about me is about that ego, and since ego has to maintain a sense of separateness from everything around it, opinions are a great way to prove and solidify its existence. For if I have no opinions, I may as well not exist. Having an opinion and making it known to the world is the mark of the ego. It is expressing its existence and showing its uniqueness and strength to the world, and most of the time competing with or aligning itself with others’ opinions. It makes it feel real.

Plus, through the constant exchange of opinions with others, the ego can measure and test out its validity. ‘How real am I?’ it asks. And through the constant forming, shaping, expressing and having of opinions, it answers that question. It makes no difference if my ego believes whether its opinions are worthy, the best in the world, unworthy or the worst in the world, these are simply expressions of the opposite ends of the same idea: that I am somehow my ego. Whether I create that ego to be weak or strong, and the opinions to go with it, still only gives me the limited ego experience.

Within this framework, opinions are so interesting and basically serve as the currency of ego exchange. They are traded and (e)valuated constantly and most people want to be part of this market. That is the world of media today. If you take a moment and watch any news media, talk show, or read a paper, blog, or, for that matter, social media, you will find this market of opinions. Everyone tries to have the most original, interesting, powerful and self-assured opinion possible to be the most attractive to the buyers out there. They talk over each other, they judge other opinions to no end, they bully and persist with their opinion to be the most right. That is the state of affairs.

I used to be addicted to this opinion market, but not anymore. When I now find myself having an opinion on something, my ‘ego alert’ comes on and lets me know that I am in ego identification mode. I shut up, get quiet, call a time out on myself, and let it pass. For whenever there is an opinion going on, ego is afoot. Living with (rather than as) my ego, I still have my own views on things, I still agree or disagree with things, I still like and dislike … but in that space it is merely my preference for the moment. It’s a very different feeling. And much easier to be with. Not only is it not attached to my sense of self (worth), it is also something I can much more easily change and thus it remains fluid and flexible. I don’t have to express preferences to validate me, I don’t have to convince others of them to feel superior or right, I don’t have to defend them, because they are not me, they are simply something I feel at the moment.

Funny enough, to the ego, preference looks weak. Opinions are where it’s at in the ego world. This is a big lie. Because the rigid never does as well in life as the fluid; one breaks eventually, the other moves and evolves.

Opinions are rigid and separate people. Preferences are fluid and keep our minds open. Which one do you prefer?

Cheers,

Ralf