Tag Archives: waking up

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The F Word

As you can probably guess, it’s not that word, I am talking about feelings of course. It has been a while since I have written here, since March 6th to be exact, and the topic had been Possibility, and how anything is possible…

At that time my mother had come home from the hospital from cancer treatment, was on a very effective medication and there was talk of her coming to visit us here in the U.S. at some point during the later summer, she was working hard at getting her strength back – and a little over three weeks later she passed away on March 29th, talk about anything being possible. I managed to get over there in time, in time to see her in her coma, still alive, not all there anymore, but somewhat still. I was able to sit with her, hold her hand, talk to her and to make sure that she was as comfortable as possible until she passed, with most of her family by her side. Both parents in a span of two and a half years.

I honestly don’t think that she saw it coming, she was so determined to get stronger, to be around, to see her third granddaughter grow up to be a teenager at the very least as she told me many times. I think she was surprised by this as much as we were, though my feeling in talking to her those last few days had been that she seemed more tense, more tightly focused on being here, and this has me wonder whether on another level she did feel something, she was preparing herself for her impending departure, but did not allow herself to acknowledge this, she wasn’t ready.

Which leads me to feelings. For the longest time I have believed that we as human beings are nothing but one big feeling. Everything we experience and are, is a feeling. I have never attempted to explain or explore that any further, until now. With what has happened, I was so broadsided by feelings, an onslaught, a maelstrom, a seemingly never ending storm of them for the past months. It was a mix of feelings and FEELINGS.

What has emerged so clearly for me is that we have both of these. The first are the ones of the ego identified state and life. The feelings we have from there are the feelings of self concern, the feelings that ultimately are about us, even though they may at first glance be about others. These feelings are always tied to the ego, they are about me. They limit my experience of life, because they inherently serve the idea of a me in the smallest way. The ego is me. The story is me. And from that position every feeling is either positive or negative and tied to the ego’s agenda of self preservation. In other words, they are conditional feelings. They are always linked to the ego and the circumstances it finds itself in. It is happy when it gets something it wants, it is thrilled at personal victory, it craves the great feeling of acknowledgement, of winning. Just as much it has us feel depressed, lonely, lost and less-than in so many ways. A constant up and down of emotion, a motion that never lets us truly be at peace or rest.

That is the nature of this kind of feeling. Because it is tied to our sense of ego id, and this ego knows that it is the least permanent part of us, it has to constantly keep itself and us busy with feelings tied to circumstances. This way it says ‘I am here and exist, because I am feeling this because of what I did or didn’t do, I am real.’ This way our emotional life is exhausting, because it never stops.

Then there are FEELINGS. They feel very different. They are simply in us, and when there is a moment of quiet in us, they show up, become feelable. They come out of now here, out of being present to here, and they are so big and reassuring and wonderful that we deep down know that they are not personal. They are impersonal, but we get to experience them at that moment, and we get to be enveloped and held by them. We all have these FEELINGS, every human being on earth knows them. They are universal and are before and beyond our personal ego id experience. They ‘happen’ at the oddest moments and for the oddest reasons, it can be as ‘silly’ as a moving commercial on TV, witnessing an act of kindness, receiving something from someone, a hug, a smile, a thank you, a gift, no matter what. It happens when we are awed by looking at the night sky and feeling that sense of endlessness to it all. A child’s laughter, a friend’s embrace, looking at a sunset, you get the idea.

The point is they often show up without ‘any reason’ because the ego has not been involved and thus provided the logical reward system for having the feeling. FEELINGS are simply there, and they are powerful. I honestly believe it is your God or the Universe whispering in your ear, reminding you that this human life is but an aspect of a much grander existence, that it is temporary in this form and that this is how it is, and it is good that way. These FEELINGS serve as an experiential reminder that we are not just a human being, but so much more. Not that I can claim to know what that means, but I cannot dismiss the FEELING.

I think my mother could FEEL that things were coming to an end in her human form, and I think that her ego could not and did not want to face this, did not allow this, and thus kept her busy feeling her personal purpose and goal of getting stronger again, of hanging on, of staying here for all the reasons it could muster. I want to believe that when she fell into her coma out of the blue, she was at first confused and then settled into the FEELING that was there all this time letting her know that it was all ok, that everything was alright and that she would be fine on her journey back into it. And that this was her choice.

Take some time to let your self listen within. Look for that quiet spot and find out what may be waiting there for you. Those FEELINGS are a wonderful part of our lives, they immediately put us in a space of less self or selflessness that isn’t about anything but the experience of it. And when you FEEL like that, act out of it in whatever way moves you.

Cheers,

Ralf

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Dropping it

Haven’t been here in a while, life got a little busy. And while doing the life thing, something occurred to me repeatedly during the last few weeks. ‘Dropping it’ is absolutely essential.

A couple of people have read my book and liked it, and some of those people know me. It has happened a couple of times that someone has said to me ‘You wrote that book and look how you are acting right now…’ That has always struck me as odd, and frankly I didn’t know how to respond to it, people have said it when I was having a bad moment and acted accordingly, when I was in my ego, tired, caught in a mood. I would almost feel guilty for being ‘less than perfect.’ Then I started to check myself, especially when my mind was in a funk, and began to be critical of my own spiritual understanding, development, etc. No fun. Once I dropped the self-critical analysis and relaxed about it, it hit me: I dropped it.

Apparently there is a belief out there that when you reach some sort of level of understanding or ‘expertise’ in self discovery and awareness, you stop having human frailties. As in you never lose your cool, are always calm and collected and have meaningful things to say about stuff all the time. That is not only a tall order, but simply a bunch of bs. As long as we are human, we are human. We will lose it, have bad moments, think thoughts that make us act like an idiot, or occasionally a total insensitive jerk. It happens. What matters is what we do with it. Like dropping it.

As I was becoming more aware of the analysis I was doing on me, I also noticed that whenever I would get into a funk about something, I would drop it as quickly as I started it. And once I dropped it, it was gone. And with that the feeling was gone as well, and quietness returned to my mind. I first noticed it with my daughter when she would get into a typical two year old state of terror about something, and I would react to it. Once I saw myself reacting to her and saw how we were entering into a sparring match of wills, I would simply drop my thought and idea about her behavior and instantly calm down. This removed any emotion or reaction I had been experiencing with her and leave me in a state of calm observation. As a result, two things would happen: I would have completely different ideas and options available in how to be with her, and she would notice that I wasn’t reacting to her anymore, which would often shift her state of mind as well.

After I caught on to this I began to see my ‘crazy’ moments not as much as a reason to feel bad about my own level of consciousness or development, questioning everything I may or may not know about this ‘stuff,’ but instead began to see the opportunities to perfect the art of dropping it. This has added another level of fun to living life. When I notice me having a bad moment and saying something mean or acting like an ass, I immediately drop it. Just let it go. Allow myself to accept that I am human, and move on. It is amazing how instant the shift is. I go from ego id to being present to my mind and the moment, and thus am pulled out of the drama. Ego id drops and with it this incessant need to be right, to have to convince the other, to show someone what they really should do or see, etc. And it changes the situation and experience, the other person tends to notice the shift in energy, and thus the interaction will change as well. Pretty cool.

I realized that the comments people made about my state of imperfection were absolutely accurate, I just took them personally because at that moment I was of course in my ego identified state, and thus reacted to it. No learning or insight in that. Once I caught on to the awareness around dropping it, and that wanting to be more aware in my life did not mean being super human, I was free to be human. And as a result I have been reacting less, getting into funks a little less often, enjoying life yet a bit more.

As always, I invite you to play with this as well. Next time you are in a ‘thing’ with someone or a situation, when being right or wrong is what it’s all about, stop for a moment and ask yourself whether you want to be right or wrong, or simply drop it to see what may be on the other side. You will instantly feel better, because dropping stuff makes us lighter.

Cheers,

Ralf

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The Light

I have had a couple of rough weeks by my standards. It started a little while ago when I was sitting in the bathtub (great place for reflection, right?!), when I realized out-of-the-blue that I had to let go. Not sure of what, not sure how, but that it was time to let go in a big way – once again. I have been through a life changing experience a few years back that was a tough one to say the least, and my life did change in a big way as a result of this experience. After seeing my own manipulative and controlling ways that had been my entire life, they began to untangle and eventually fade away, and a new way to be with myself and the world settled in. And I am beginning to see how that is the challenge, the settling in part.

I certainly am not the same person I was for all those years before and know that I am different, but another kind of mental routine has set up shop in me, and that is now catching up with me. First I began to feel ‘stuck’ and uncomfortable in my life, nothing to pin down, nothing in particular, but it was there, in the background, like a shadow, haunting me. A newborn and general life kept me busy and distracted enough to ignore it, until that night in the bathtub. So, I had to let go, but what on earth that meant I had no clue.

Then I began to feel depressed, I got sick and very tired, which intensified those feelings and last week one evening I was home alone with the other love of my life, my daughter, and something strange happened. She was sitting in my lap, eating her dinner, I was smelling her hair and contentedly looking out the window at the trees when I was broadsided by the deepest feeling of sadness I have ever felt in my life; it was as though the entirety of humanity’s dread, torture, pain and suffering was coming at me and through me all at once. I almost lost it, the sheer magnitude of feeling this feeling was almost too much. I barely could hold it together, I did not want the little one to freak out. I felt so distraught and disillusioned about the state of humanity and the level of pain we are experiencing with each other, and with ourselves. I couldn’t believe that we live on this beautiful planet, and the best we can come up with is the current state of affairs. I don’t know why stuff like that happens to me, maybe I am mental, I know for sure that I am making it up in some way, but why on earth do I?

After that night I got worse, save for my wife and daughter I lost my joy, all I began to envision was to remove myself from the world as much as possible and stay away from it, that crazy place full of crazy people, who in the best of circumstances hate each other for different political views, and at worst behave like they do in the IS in the name of a religion. Not a pretty picture. I had lost my faith in humanity and did not want to be part of it anymore. It sucked.

Today is different. A phone call with a dear friend and a video changed it.

The phone call was with a friend who is very dear and close to my heart, and who is much better than me at getting his ideas around similar themes as the ones on my blog out into the world. For the past sixteen years he has been tirelessly and with utter resolve bringing his version of peace into the world. And it is bearing fruit. He has had an HBR article published, was on the radio this week, and will be doing a TED talk soon. I was so happy for him, because he is one of the most kindhearted and smartest people I know. He then asked me how I had been, and I told him the above. He went silent for a moment, told me he understood. Then he tells me that he wakes up almost everyday with a similar feeling about the state of things and knows that he is going to get up and do what he can to help change it. He will not quit. Ever. Trust me, I know the guy. I definitely felt better after hanging up.

Then I saw this video and was blown away by it, because I realized it was showing me the light. I am talking about the light that is in every thing in form on this planet, but is particularly strong and maybe even condensed in human beings. It is the light of being, the light of existence, the light that is on in us, the light that shines through so clearly when people are kind to others without any expectation of return, when a child laughs and looks at you with love, when a dying husband or wife looks in their partner’s eyes with more than just their eyes, when you meet someone and for some reason they are so familiar to you, the light we see when we watch videos about acts of kindness, the light we see in each other when we see beyond the physical, the light that shows us that underneath we are all from the same place. And eventually return to it. The light that erases differences, hatred, judgment, arrogance, and the ability to do harm to another. For every moment we are in its presence, we leave our ego behind and become beings, we are no longer human-have-been’s or human-will-be’s, we are human.

This is waking me up. I don’t know what that means yet, but I do know that I forgot to see or at least look for the light, because it is in everybody at all times, sometimes it’s harder to find than others, but it is there without fail. For a while after my experience I saw it all around and in almost everyone, but I got lost in something else, and so the light was lost too, first around me, and finally I couldn’t see it in myself anymore either. Wow. As I just wrote that, this became clear. So it is time to get up and get going, time to become a light(er) again. First with me, and then, who knows… I still don’t have a clue what I have to let go of, but I will and it will be fine, and I will participate again in my own little way, and if because of my participation one other person will see the light as well, in them and others, that will be enough.

Go look for the light. It is there. It shows itself in the oddest and most unexpected places. And when we see it, we know it, we recognize it, and we feel it, and it feels good. I challenge you to find some light today, and tomorrow and the day after. It will make the world brighter.

Cheers,

Ralf

 

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Projections

I know that ultimately my blog posts and ruminations keep circling around and back to the same. Here is another awareness, another piece of consciousness creeping up on me. I think that this may be one of the reasons I haven’t written lately, because it always seems to be about the same ‘thing…’ I wonder if I may ever reach the point that I have said it in enough ways, discovered and became aware of enough, to be done? Guess I’ll find out.

Projections have really been on my mind ever since we have had our daughter. From the day she was born I became über conscious of my own mind’s thinking which was so full of the memories, stories and assumptions about me, and the world around me. I think this happened because I was in the presence of this pure and unclouded new earthling that was a blank canvas of consciousness. I vowed to myself that I would do anything possible to try and show her the world with as little projection of my world put over it as possible and instead would simply help by describing it and for her to form her own thoughts on things. Going alright thus far, but I have become painfully aware of these projections going on all the time, and in ways I never expected.

As I have been observing other parents and people hanging out with our daughter, I began to notice how much people project themselves onto the little beings. It is completely unconscious and innocent, but it’s happening. I have actually had another father tell me that he was tired of his six-month-old trying to manipulate him into feeling sorry for her. That hit me between the eyes, because this particular person is actually very manipulative, and it was shockingly clear to me that he was looking at his daughter through his unconscious lens and thus projecting his own process onto her. A six-month-old does not know how to manipulate, they barely understand that they are a singular human being, so this was a humdinger for me to listen to. I gently asked him to consider this fact, but he shook his head and stuck to his story. This is what I am talking about. We look at the child, and if we are not awake, we look at us instead. And then we base our actions on our own projections and assumptions. As I am writing this, it hits me how messed up that is.

Being with my daughter has put me on high alert with my own movie projection that is going on. I can see it playing more and more and walk out of the theater to make sure that I see my daughter and not my projection placed on her. I don’t always succeed of course, but when I get caught up in the show, I snap to it and stop whatever it is that I am doing at that moment, and then everything shifts and she comes back into focus. It always feels so good, too. Since I have been at this I have begun to see how my projector is running a lot in my everyday life as well.

These projections are of course simply another way to describe the eternal story telling my ego does in all these different ways, but it has been painful and helpful for me to see it this way. It shows up in the simplest stuff, the other day I started saying to my bride ‘Well, you know how (fill in the blank) makes you think…’ assuming that of course it would make her think exactly the same thing as me. These words actually came out of my mouth?! It was one of those nasty little projections doing its thing. Of course no one but me thinks what or how I think, period. But these little projections make me believe that anyone worthy of my attention would be in the same theater as me, watching the exact same movie with exactly the same reactions to what is going on. It sounds silly, but that is precisely how these projections work and in the process create that very limited world view and experience that we have.

Think about this, and how many times in any given day we do this. Why doesn’t this person see how wrong, stupid, ignorant, silly, annoying, dumb, offensive, insulting, etc. they are? This is a question asked from within the theater looking at someone sitting in an entirely different theater and us wondering why they would ever watch their movie, don’t they see how silly their show is? Come over here and join me in my theater, where we watch it all in Imax 3D, it’s like the real world in here. We show you how it really is, not like your little show over there, 16mm projector, sound all messed up, in black and white. Can’t you see that it is just a movie? Come here, let me show you reality. This shows up in the real world in the form of well meaning advice, criticizing, judging, all out fighting, and eventually, war. And we are all missing that we are being duped by our own show.

Having been aware of this little charade has made my life more exhausting lately, simply because there is so much of this going on, but I am also grateful to see these projections, because it is just another way to catch on to the intricate ways of my ego trying to keep me bought into the idea that I am my story, and that this story is all I am.

So here’s to all of us looking around once in a while to make sure we are not sitting in the theater of our ego projections where we get fed nothing but what we already know in so many different shades of grey (see how I did that?). Let’s get out of our seats, and walk out of the theater to see what is really going on. It may end up being a much better experience, especially since we wouldn’t know what’s next…

Cheers,

Ralf

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Coming and Going

The past seven days have been quite eventful around here. My favorite aunt passed away and one of my best friends welcomed a beautiful baby daughter into the world. Wow. Funny enough, this made me reflect on all the coming and going that is going on all around us, all the time.

My aunt, who became my aunt through my marriage to my amazing bride, was one of my favorite people. She had already suffered from MS for decades when I met her, and she was reduced to control of her left arm and hand, and that in limited fashion. But that was the only limitation that existed in this remarkable woman, for she was working on transcending the limitations of the human body. That is how I experienced her. When she ended up bed ridden for months because of some medical complications, I ended up going to her house weekly to read books to her and have the most amazing conversations about her life, our shared philosophy on things and what it may or may not be all about. This was an incredible time for me, and I hope for her as well. The first time one of the staff nurses came to check on her when I was there, she introduced me as her nephew, as if I had always been. It touched me so much, how she so naturally just thought of me that way and allowed me into her life. It reminded me that at the end of the day we are all human, all on the same planet, all mortal and doing this thing called life. And she chose happiness over self-pity or depression any day. Given her circumstances, this was a wonderful thing for her to choose, and it was not always easy of course.

Many times we would talk about how life was an inside-out affair and that she often would visit places in her mind and go on trips to places of and not of this earth, contemplating life and what may be beyond. She would tell me that doing this was giving her a sense of peace and acceptance of her condition, and a sense and experience of freedom at the same time. She told me so many stories of her childhood and pre-MS life, but they were never filled with regret or bitterness because that was lost. And she always talked about what MS had given her, and she would always say one thing: ‘MS showed me the deep and true love that my husband has (had) for me.’ I will leave it at that.

Within a week of her passing, one of my best friends welcomed a baby girl into his life. This is a man of great heart and compassion, who has loved our little girl since her birth in the sweetest way, and I knew then that he had no idea what would happen to him and his capacity to feel love once he had his own child. When I talked to him yesterday morning, he was in tears of joy in the face of such overwhelming love, we both ended up crying. One second your child is but an idea or concept, and the very next second, it is here, on earth, and we are in its presence. There is a purity of presence in a newborn that transcends all language and concepts and can only be felt. It is the most amazing, wonderful and awe inspiring feeling a human being can feel, I believe. It changes you instantly and completely, and for the rest of your life. And you never want to be without it again. I know that my friend is feeling this right now as well. At first our mind cannot process it, because it is outside of our experience, outside of thought. Outside of the ego identification, that is what makes it so powerful.

Only a parent can fully relate to this particular experience of love of course, but any and all human beings have the built in capacity for this. There never has been or ever will be a human being that is not born in the same state of utter perfection and purity of feeling. We all start out this way, and thus we all know what this state is like, whether we are conscious of it or not. That is reassuring to me. The world is in such a mess, and sometimes these days I feel like an alien visiting earth and observing the level of insanity that people engage in is beyond me, but at the same time I know I am part of it, I am here and I chose and choose to be here. So I vow to do my best to be.

We all come, and we all go. My aunt went to where my friend’s little girl just arrived from. And short of a belief that we all may have about what that ‘somewhere’ may look like or be, we can agree that we come out of someness and return to it at some point. Lest we forget that we are eternally temporary. All of us. Every thing. We tend to remember this during times of coming and going, also known as birth and death, but then we move right back into our daily routine of habitual patterns that are but a mere echo of those feelings of awe and humility in light of the impermanence that is present in those moments. Our lives and planet would be greatly altered if we all decided to live in awareness of this rather than turning from it as we usually do. It’s a gift to be in the presence of those that are coming and those that are going.

So I invite you to spend the rest of just today to look at yourself and all around you like an alien visitor to the planet. Look at your own body as the vehicle you get to use during your visit here, and dare to think about the fact that your departure is always imminent. You may be asked to board your flight back home at any moment. Use the time you have, use it to love, to laugh and enjoy your stay here, for it could be over at any moment.

Goodbye Aunt Ruth, and welcome Maya.

Cheers,

Ralf

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Lost and Found

Guess I had a summer break without planning one. I have had some posts itching in me for the past couple of weeks, so tonight the first one is on.

I have had many experiences with getting lost, in myself and others. There are limitless ways of getting lost and limitless degrees to getting lost, but the reason for it is always the same: complete ego-identification. That is the beauty and simplicity of it. When we get lost, we have all these ways of describing, defining, defending and justifying our lostness. It makes sense to us and once we are lost, we are already fully committed. Once we’re fully committed, it gets harder and harder to see it for what it is, ego-id, and instead becomes a closed logical circuit that builds on itself. It’s akin to buying property in Crazytown.

Getting lost takes a lot of thought. Thought is at the root of our human experience of course; without it, we wouldn’t exist. Unconscious thinking is the issue and is what we employ on our way to getting lost. It may begin with a harmless remark by someone, with an action, anything really that we notice and hold on to, in whatever small way. That tiny bit of holding on, and the thought that goes with it, is like a seed. If we happen to forget to water it through repetition, it will disappear, but if we begin to repeat the notion and keep revisiting it, it will grow. This can happen over years, months or within seconds. Once it takes on some weight and thus meaning for us, the thought will swell up, gain momentum and compound. When that happens we are lost in our thinking and no longer experience it as thought, but as fact. Has someone ever come to you with an issue they had with you, often a while ago? And once they get started you are almost overwhelmed by the sheer amount of thinking they have done about it, and the level of assumptions they are relying on in their minds? It can be quite the spectacle, and we can see that they are lost in their own thinking and rationale, and it has nothing to do with what actually happened any longer. The thinker has become the thought. At that point they’re lost in that thought package, in the ‘issue’ they have.

I have done this so many times, and until I gained some insight into the very elaborate trappings of my ego-identification and how it functioned by making particular thoughts and their patterns real to me, I ended up in Crazytown frequently. Didn’t own property there, but certainly kept an apartment. It’s fascinating to me how even now my thinking can get to me and lead me into lostness. One of my favorites is still the idea that I haven’t amounted to anything in my life. If I am very tired, have an off day and my mood is muffled, this is one pattern that can get a hold of me pretty quickly. Thing is, no one knows me better than I do, so if I fall for that thought pattern even a little bit, bam!, I am right in it. It’s like a hurricane in my head at that point. ‘What have you achieved? No one likes you, you really have no friends. Everything you have ever tried amounted to nothing. Your life is impermanent as it is, and there ain’t much time left, so you may as well face the fact that this was pretty much it…’ On and on it goes. I get completely lost in my thinking. And of course I am the only person on the planet who feels this way at that point, so loneliness usually comes along with it.

The good news is that we can be found again. Sometimes it’s something or someone on the outside that snaps us out of it. It’s important to remember that even though it’s seemingly coming from the outside, we are making the shift internally, snapping out of it. I say that because we never want to lose sight of the fact that we always create the life experience we are having at any moment, and that means that we are always creating our experience. Not to be too repetitious, but it is so important for us to remember, because if we are lost and someone we meet says or does the right thing that has us stop our thought pattern and gain perspective, we often think that they did it for us, but they didn’t. It is of course wonderful to have that happen and have people like that around, but we are the ones who hear them and make the shift. Then we find ourselves again. We realize that what we have been dealing with was not a reality, but our unconscious thought pattern. That what we thought was real, was just that, a thought. A compounding thought nonetheless that kept adding to itself only to create more reality, more fact and justification for feeling the way we did. It does not matter how long we were lost, or to what extent, once we become aware of our thinking as the source, it’s over. Just like that.

In my case I feel as though I am waking up and begin to notice the present moment again. Once I am in that space, gratitude about my life flows in and my mind settles down. Getting found does not mean that I begin to recite a list of successes in my life or come up with anything that counteracts my litany of ‘poor me’ thoughts; that would be like painting my apartment in Crazytown a nicer color. Getting found is all about becoming aware of the pattern, and letting it be. It’s all about not being interested in the drama, the heaviness, the quality of it any longer. That is truly enough. Disinterest kills nagging thoughts.

So welcome back to all who are here. I hope you have had a great summer and managed to stay found most of the time. If you got lost and found yourself again, welcome back as well. If you became lost and still are, I hope that you will consider that it’s all a thought (pattern) and that no one except you gets to decide whether you stay interested in that line of thinking or not. Give it a shot, you may find it (helpful).

Cheers,

Ralf

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Drama

Drama is the mojo of the ego-identified life. Without drama, ego-identification has a hard time hanging around.

I have realized in myself that drama isn’t limited to the big events in life, you know, the kinds of events that most people would agree are dramatic. Usually death, war, relationships, etc. When a lot of people agree that certain circumstances are dramatic, then for most of us these circumstances are dramatic when we find ourselves in them. And while we’re in the middle of experiencing this drama, other people confirm this for us in may different ways. They call us or come by to listen and share about similar dramas they have had happen in their lives, by reassuring us that we are not crazy to feel the way we feel, letting us know that this has happened to many other people as well, and to generally agree with and confirm our feelings. This is all beautiful, because they are honestly trying to help. Only, does it really?

When this happens, the drama at hand is still real. I still have to deal with it, experience it and go through it with all the emotional bells and whistles it comes with. Relating to other people in this way does not add perspective to the situation. It keeps me in the drama, and if anything confirms that it is real. I cannot do anything about it. I am in it, I am it. Others are confirming it and sharing how it was for them when it ‘happened to me.’ The idea is that talking to others who have been through a similar drama will lift some of the weight, some of the sense of doom or inescapability of the drama at hand. It shows me that this too shall pass. At some point.

I have had enough drama in my life as well. I used to be addicted to it, as a matter of fact. My complete ego-id life was so full of drama that it had become normal. Actually, when there was nothing to worry about, no drama to deal with, no matter how small, I would freak out a little bit. Why wasn’t there any drama or worry? That was impossible after all. If you had no drama in your life you were either lying to yourself or full of it. Usually I would have a period when there were only the small every-day-middle-of-the-road-dramas, such as the cable bill had an issue and I had to spend time and emotion to fix it through lengthy discussions with the cable person, after punching my way through ten phone menus to reach an actual person. Or a friend was having a crisis (another word for drama) that needed attention. Money issues always came in handy when there was no pressing or serious drama at hand. If this collection of small dramas went on too long, I would freak out a little bit and wonder what was coming, surely something big was about to hit, because there hadn’t been any major drama for so long. It was background noise and always had to be there in some way. Without drama, something was wrong. A life without it meant that you were not serious about life, or dead.

I used to be in this boat, but I got out. I got out the moment I became aware of the fact that everything that had ever happened in my life up to that point made sense. It fit, it had gotten me to where I was at that moment. The good, the bad, the ugly, no matter what had happened to me in my life, no matter how dramatic or traumatic at the time, it fit. I did not suddenly see the trauma or drama as a great thing, no, but I saw it as a circumstance that had happened in my life of endless circumstances, and that all of these combined made sense. This happened to me during a major drama I was experiencing, and with this insight came the instant realization that the current drama was fitting into my life as well. I wasn’t able to see how yet, but it was. This changed the experience of the situation dramatically (pun intended), I was no longer a victim to the circumstance, but simply experiencing it, knowing full well that it made sense. It gave me instant perspective.

As more awareness is in my life, it changes everything. Most of the time I don’t see it, I don’t know how different my life has become, and then someone tells me about their issues or drama, and I have a hard time commiserating, I cannot get myself to participate in their drama, because it simply does not make sense to do so. I recognize that it is real to them, that they are distressed and feeling all of the drama they’re describing, but I also see that it is a mere product of an ego-identified state, and that this is a choice on their part. To some people that looks cold and uncaring, because if their drama isn’t taken seriously, then they aren’t taken seriously, because of course they are it. That’s not it though, I take them seriously, but their drama is simply uninteresting. Much like my own ego’s bs is uninteresting to me as well.

How many times have we worked ourselves up about something, only to find out later that it was the best thing that could have happened? We tried and tried to make that relationship work, lots of drama, and after we finally walked away from it we ended up enjoying the solitude or met a more perfect match. We really wanted to buy that one house, but the seller wouldn’t budge on the price, big drama, and two weeks later another house went on the market on the same block, and it was nicer and we got the price we wanted. On and on it goes, what looked like drama was nothing but the effect of buying into the pompous dance of ego identification and self importance. Drama is serious business and wants to be taken seriously. But that is a choice, not a given. We can sidestep it, cut to the chase and wonder instead what is going to be on the other side of it.

The next time you find yourself experiencing some serious drama, consider that it’s simply life letting you know that you have your head up your ego-id butt, that it is time to drop it, step back, be uninterested in it, and look at your life as a whole. It all fits, it always has, and always will. The drama will pass the moment we are willing to see this, because perspective kills it.

Cheers,

Ralf

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Gratitude

This has been bugging me, I have to admit. The fact that I am grateful for stuff, but also manage not to be most of the time. We all know that it’s a good thing, but how often, how much are we really grateful?

Speaking for myself, my ratio could be far better. Too many days I am not grateful, really. I may have a moment or two, there are certain ‘things’ I am pretty much grateful for all the time, such as having my wife in my life, my baby girl, but that is about it. I have been thinking about this and wondering how this can be. Here I am, having written this book, writing this blog about a whole other way to live life, a way that is more aware, more conscious, more by our own choice, and yet gratitude seems to be limited. What is up with that? Shouldn’t I be grateful pretty much all the time? Shouldn’t I know how to choose gratitude? Shouldn’t gratitude be part of living this kind of life? Apparently not.

It’s as though I have to remind myself to be grateful for things. I’ll go about my day, everything is fine, I am meeting people, having interesting experiences, feeling pretty happy and content with life, and yet gratitude eludes me, and I will quite literally have to stop and consciously wonder what I am grateful for. Which means that it’s not there otherwise. This had me stumped for a while. I wanted to feel grateful, I wanted to be appreciative of what I have, and thus be a grateful, humble kind of person. The kind of person who doesn’t expect things, the kind who counts their blessings. That does sound good after all. And especially during the holidays this becomes prominent for most of us. Let’s pause and be grateful for what we have. For the people and the circumstances in our lives. Let’s stop and say thanks. When I do gratitude, it is within a world of comparison. When I had to remind myself to be grateful, I was always grateful about something in my life, such as the people, health, job. It was a gratitude attached to the opposite of all those things. If I didn’t have the people, health and job, then my life would not be as nice and I wouldn’t feel as grateful. I was looking at comparisons, and by saying that things were as good as they were, I should be grateful, because they could be worse, and in fact are worse for others. Some people do this every day, they have that moment of pause to be grateful. After thinking about this for a while something hit me.

Gratitude is not something to do, it is something to be. It is a tude after all not an ing. That’s why I had to consciously stop and make myself be grateful. I was busy doing a bunch of important thinking and had to stop it to find my gratitude. Once I paused, I felt it pretty quickly. But if I stopped the maelstrom of my thinking for longer, it turned into more than gratitude, into a sense of wonder and awe with what was going on at the moment. Almost the way I was as a kid when most of the time the world was a cool and wondrous place. Always something new to discover and do. New experiences to have, newness all around. Something happens when we are in this state, we experience a kind of gratitude for being here, for having experiences. Rather than gratitude, it is a state of grace. Being in that state goes beyond gratitude. It is not about anything anymore, it is simply a state of being. A state where I can see and experience the world differently, again and again. The only way to do this is to know that my repetitive ego identified thinking is giving me the same experiences over and over again, and that once aware of this, I can choose to not engage in it. The second I do that, a space opens up in my mind that is not filled with a particular thought, and bingo, whatever situation I am in looks pretty new and interesting. Seriously, it works.

Whenever I get pissed about someone or something and happen to notice it, I step back, tell that particular thought that I am not interested, and the release and shift in my mind changes the circumstance instantly. It lets me see the moment free of my labels and ideas about it, e.g. how unreasonable/crazy/stupid/mean/awful a person or situation is, and instead move into a state of observation, no judgment about it, and the pompous and urgent action required disappear. The situation has shifted. I am in a state of grace, a state beyond gratitude, a state where it’s not about anything anymore, but about being here and enjoying the crap out of it. Beats gratitude by lengths. Gratitude is good, don’t get me wrong, but it is limited to the world of opposites, whereas a state of grace or being is unlimited. It never ends.

Here’s to gratitude. The next time you remind yourself to have gratitude, take a look at the list of things you are creating. Ask yourself if that is a limitation on your ability to have gratitude.  If you answer yes, step back from the list, and take a look around right here, right now, and take in the world in all its wonder and awe. You may just find yourself graceful.

Cheers,

Ralf

 

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Insecurity

Such a broad term, such a small word with such implications … I think of it as the emotional package deal that comes with ego identification. Actually reminds me of a scene in a movie I really enjoyed years ago, Galaxy Quest, where the main character, Tim Allen as an accidental space ship captain, flies his ship into the oncoming evil nemesis’ ship. The evil captain tells him that he will die since he has no chance against his ship, to which Tim Allen responds that Captain Evil should see what he can do about the dozens of space mines he’s dragging behind him. He makes a sharp turn, and all the mines hit the evil ship right in the gut. That to me is how insecurity comes in tow of that shiny and great looking ego ship. You don’t know it until it hits you. And that’s that.

We just have to deal with this pesky emotion when we live the ego identified life. No way around it. Wherever the ego ship goes, it has some good insecurity mines in tow. They not only pack a punch, they also hit you unexpectedly at times and can blow you to pieces if they hit you just right. And who has better aim than our own ego? No one.

Insecurity can show up in almost limitless ways. It can creep up on us slowly or suddenly hit seemingly out of the blue, it can be like an old, pussy wound, it can be highly charged or underlying and festering like a slow growing virus. It can also come along hiding behind a great looking outfit, and show off how great, wonderful, the best and most lovable we are, only to hide under that shiny story, like the man behind the curtain. I may think that I am on top of the world and a gift to myself and the world, but of course underneath this lurks the insecurity of losing all of it. I may have achieved some goal I created, and the ego will let me have my moment of satisfaction, but only until it makes a sharp turn and gives me a taste of the insecurity bombs in tow. ‘Great that I have made it, but will it last? This was great, but what’s next? Is someone else already beating me? Am I going to ever do this again?’ are just some of the punches that hit me.

Then there is the obvious insecurity ordinance which tells us that we may as well not even try, aren’t liked, a loser, not appreciated, hate ourselves and possibly the world, or are constantly reminded of our own shortcomings by looking at all the people around us who are more successful, prettier and simply better at everything than us. So we either have to try and better them, destroy them or simply avoid them. Insecurity really sucks. In whatever form it shows up, it feels very unsettling on the one end and like crap on the other. It’s a first rate ego created emotion. That is also its telltale sign, because like any feeling that our ego produces, an emotion always has two qualities: It has some level of drama to it, and it’s always attached to something. Be it a circumstance, a person, a goal or condition of any kind, it is attached to something. Like those mines behind the space ship, ultimately all emotion is attached to me, me, me.

But there is another way. Once we catch on to our own ego identification and disengage from it, we see the ego ship coming and know full well what it has in tow. We can then get out of the way and not even get involved with the shiny ego ship. At first this takes some maneuvering on our part, and the ego ship keeps coming at us, but we get better and better at evading it all.

In other words, getting uninterested in our ego identification also packs a punch. Outside of ego id, insecurity has nothing to hit. We get to simply be ourselves without the limitations of insecurity. This does not mean that we think we’re perfect, it means that we are who we are at any moment, doing the best we can do; and we are in total acceptance of ourselves at any moment. In that kind of space we are more creative, aware, responsive and free of doubt. Oh, and we also have no fear in that state. None. Seriously. As a matter of fact, that is the defining feature of this feeling: It is not attached to anything in particular. Ever. It is simply a state of being. And thus no fear, there is no room for it. Out of that feeling we do whatever we are inspired to do, sans any insecurity. Freedom baby!

The next time you find yourself in the middle of an emotional insecurity explosion, remember that you can stop the ship, beam off it and get back on the other ride, the one that takes you wherever you want to go, no mines in tow or anywhere near.

Cheers,

Ralf

 

 

 

 

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Crazytown

Have you heard of this place before? We probably have all gone there at some point. It’s that place where all the craziness makes sense to the people who are there, and they will support each other by confirming and justifying their different crazy stories. It’s a happening place.

Have you ever gone, or had a friend or relative that went to Crazytown? You could tell when they were on their way there, you could see that this was the direction they were going, you may have even pointed it out to them on the mental road map, but they just kept going. Depending on what they were going there for, it can be frustrating and scary to watch them disappear into town. We have all been there, and made it back out, sometimes we stayed for a while, sometimes we only had a short visit, sometimes we only drove by the outskirts, sometimes we drove past it, and sometimes it doesn’t even show up on our maps…

In order to have Crazytown on our maps, we must have ego identification going on, and the story that comes with it. Our story. The story we believe to be, because ego and the story are one and the same. The nature of the ego and its story is, of course, perpetuation. It’s compounding, and that part is the road to Crazytown. Let me explain.

Let’s say that we have hit a rough patch in our story, lost our job, went through a breakup, or feel totally and utterly unappreciated by everyone in our life, or anything else that may put us in a state, if you will. Not a nice place to be. At that moment we have a choice to make: Am I going to believe this story and go with it, or am I going to become aware of of my ego id and the story, and choose to disengage from it? One puts us in the state where Crazytown is, the other takes us in the opposite direction.

If I go with the former, things are going to get worse, it’s part of the deal. I will justify my ill feelings, confirm them with others, and do whatever it takes to make it real. Now, once I am so full into my story, I will do what I can to feel better, no matter what that is, or what it looks like. I will try to change the circumstances that have caused my drama, I will assign blame to the person(s) that are at fault (sometimes that can be us, also called the ‘poor/bad me’ story line), and I will not stop until the pressure of my bad feelings releases. This can take a few minutes, days, weeks, months or years. Time is of no consequence here, it is all about the level of identification I have with that story that my ego sells me as ‘me.’ You have arrived in Crazytown. We hope you enjoy your stay.

The latter decision above changes the dynamic drastically. I realize that the car is my story and that I am the driver. This ‘I’ is the one who also built the factory that makes the car, is the designer, the worker that puts it together, the one who builds the roads the car drives on, and on and on. The second we remember this fact, we are back in the driver’s seat and regain full control. That’s usually the moment when we want to pull over and catch our breath. It’s the pause that allows us to see what is. As in we see that we are not the story, and bam!, we are thrust back into the moment. And with that moment comes instant perspective. The perspective that gives us an opportunity to take another look at the situation we find ourselves in, and thus an opportunity to choose a different route. Away from Crazytown.

The beauty is that it does not matter how long we have been hanging out in Crazytown, how much we have liked or hated it, when the moment of pause happens and we choose to stop driving around, we can head out of town immediately. We can also work our way out of town slowly but surely, we can do whatever we choose at any moment. It is all about waking up to the fact that we are headed to or in Crazytown, and then making a choice about that. Sometimes someone else says something that triggers our awareness, sometimes it’s a hug, a firm but loving reminder, and sometimes we just have enough of it, it does not matter what triggers our moment of waking up to our own drama – what matters is that this can happen at any moment and we get to see it or not. Our choice.

So the next time you find yourself heading towards Crazytown, make sure you’re prepared for the trip. Bring lots of guilt cookies, indignant huffs and puffs, lots of blaming supplies and self-pity. Or pull over, stop the car, get out and take a deep breath. Take in the beautiful surroundings, called life, and have a picnic. As Crazytown will surely fade away at the horizon, plot a new course and see where it takes you.

Cheers,

Ralf