There is honesty, and then there is authenticity. Two completely different things.

Honesty is most certainly a virtue, but in a world running rampant with ego identification, it can also be a big problem. When I am in full ego id mode, my opinions and thoughts about myself and all else around me are all I see, and they are what make up ‘me.’ What this ‘me’ thinks is of existential value, and thus has to be expressed and defended at all times. We are talking about our very existence after all. This ego has to express itself to other egos in a dance of meaningfulness, and telling the truth about the other egos and/or one’s own ego is the hallmark of honesty in this. Only that this honesty is based in an illusion to begin with, and thus tells the ‘honest truth’ from this limited self. A self only interested in its self.

This limited approach to ‘me’ is laced with self-interest and what I may express out of this position as an honest thought, is in fact nothing but a product of this state. In this state of full ego id, my thinking tends to be judgmental in one (mild) form or another, and about me, me, me. So what I think of as an ‘honest’ answer, suggestion, or observation, is really an attempt of the ego to make itself more real with the person or circumstance at hand. This is especially true when emotion is afoot. Telling someone (honestly) that their behavior is wrong, inappropiate, insulting, hurtful or bad in some way is an ego’s way of showing up to draw its line in the sand. Telling someone (honestly) that they are wonderful, perfect, incredible or awesome is an ego’s way of showing up to try and connect with someone else, at the ego level.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that honesty is bad, I am simply suggesting that the ego based honesty we often celebrate is at best limited, and at worst self-serving. Don’t believe me though, you can observe it in yourself. Haven’t you ever been in a moment of awareness, where you watched yourself being honest with someone, and you knew right at that moment that you were not telling a truth? A moment where you knew that you were saying this only to manipulate or control the person/circumstance to be right? That is all I am talking about here. We all know at the end of the day that when we were being ‘honest’ like that, we were in fact full of it.

Authenticity on the other hand is a state of being. This is not something one can do, but only be. And as I like to say, you cannot do being, you can only be it. You can’t act authentic. We all know authenticity when we encounter it. It’s a feeling, and it’s pretty obvious. An authentic person does not have an agenda, they do not seek to manipulate, convince or control in any way. This is not interesting to them. They will listen a lot more than they talk, they are not interested in opinions, and they will not judge people for them. They have preferences about things, and they will not participate in anything that does not feel right to them, but they are not acting this way, they are this way. They speak to things and how they see them, without any expectations, because their ego is not involved.

To ego identified people, these characters look weak, because they don’t run around promoting themselves or their opinions and ideas. They are not interested in making other people think the way they do, and what others may think about them does not matter. These qualities all fly in the face of the ego, and the ego does not know how to be around this, because there is nothing to latch on to. So it cannot engage with someone like this. Thus it will either try to fight or ignore them. Same with ourselves.

Next time you are telling someone something ‘honestly,’ pay attention to how it feels. Check in on your emotion meter, it’s probably going off. As always, it’s your choice what you may do with that information.

Cheers,

Ralf