As you can probably guess, it’s not that word, I am talking about feelings of course. It has been a while since I have written here, since March 6th to be exact, and the topic had been Possibility, and how anything is possible…

At that time my mother had come home from the hospital from cancer treatment, was on a very effective medication and there was talk of her coming to visit us here in the U.S. at some point during the later summer, she was working hard at getting her strength back – and a little over three weeks later she passed away on March 29th, talk about anything being possible. I managed to get over there in time, in time to see her in her coma, still alive, not all there anymore, but somewhat still. I was able to sit with her, hold her hand, talk to her and to make sure that she was as comfortable as possible until she passed, with most of her family by her side. Both parents in a span of two and a half years.

I honestly don’t think that she saw it coming, she was so determined to get stronger, to be around, to see her third granddaughter grow up to be a teenager at the very least as she told me many times. I think she was surprised by this as much as we were, though my feeling in talking to her those last few days had been that she seemed more tense, more tightly focused on being here, and this has me wonder whether on another level she did feel something, she was preparing herself for her impending departure, but did not allow herself to acknowledge this, she wasn’t ready.

Which leads me to feelings. For the longest time I have believed that we as human beings are nothing but one big feeling. Everything we experience and are, is a feeling. I have never attempted to explain or explore that any further, until now. With what has happened, I was so broadsided by feelings, an onslaught, a maelstrom, a seemingly never ending storm of them for the past months. It was a mix of feelings and FEELINGS.

What has emerged so clearly for me is that we have both of these. The first are the ones of the ego identified state and life. The feelings we have from there are the feelings of self concern, the feelings that ultimately are about us, even though they may at first glance be about others. These feelings are always tied to the ego, they are about me. They limit my experience of life, because they inherently serve the idea of a me in the smallest way. The ego is me. The story is me. And from that position every feeling is either positive or negative and tied to the ego’s agenda of self preservation. In other words, they are conditional feelings. They are always linked to the ego and the circumstances it finds itself in. It is happy when it gets something it wants, it is thrilled at personal victory, it craves the great feeling of acknowledgement, of winning. Just as much it has us feel depressed, lonely, lost and less-than in so many ways. A constant up and down of emotion, a motion that never lets us truly be at peace or rest.

That is the nature of this kind of feeling. Because it is tied to our sense of ego id, and this ego knows that it is the least permanent part of us, it has to constantly keep itself and us busy with feelings tied to circumstances. This way it says ‘I am here and exist, because I am feeling this because of what I did or didn’t do, I am real.’ This way our emotional life is exhausting, because it never stops.

Then there are FEELINGS. They feel very different. They are simply in us, and when there is a moment of quiet in us, they show up, become feelable. They come out of now here, out of being present to here, and they are so big and reassuring and wonderful that we deep down know that they are not personal. They are impersonal, but we get to experience them at that moment, and we get to be enveloped and held by them. We all have these FEELINGS, every human being on earth knows them. They are universal and are before and beyond our personal ego id experience. They ‘happen’ at the oddest moments and for the oddest reasons, it can be as ‘silly’ as a moving commercial on TV, witnessing an act of kindness, receiving something from someone, a hug, a smile, a thank you, a gift, no matter what. It happens when we are awed by looking at the night sky and feeling that sense of endlessness to it all. A child’s laughter, a friend’s embrace, looking at a sunset, you get the idea.

The point is they often show up without ‘any reason’ because the ego has not been involved and thus provided the logical reward system for having the feeling. FEELINGS are simply there, and they are powerful. I honestly believe it is your God or the Universe whispering in your ear, reminding you that this human life is but an aspect of a much grander existence, that it is temporary in this form and that this is how it is, and it is good that way. These FEELINGS serve as an experiential reminder that we are not just a human being, but so much more. Not that I can claim to know what that means, but I cannot dismiss the FEELING.

I think my mother could FEEL that things were coming to an end in her human form, and I think that her ego could not and did not want to face this, did not allow this, and thus kept her busy feeling her personal purpose and goal of getting stronger again, of hanging on, of staying here for all the reasons it could muster. I want to believe that when she fell into her coma out of the blue, she was at first confused and then settled into the FEELING that was there all this time letting her know that it was all ok, that everything was alright and that she would be fine on her journey back into it. And that this was her choice.

Take some time to let your self listen within. Look for that quiet spot and find out what may be waiting there for you. Those FEELINGS are a wonderful part of our lives, they immediately put us in a space of less self or selflessness that isn’t about anything but the experience of it. And when you FEEL like that, act out of it in whatever way moves you.

Cheers,

Ralf