Projections

I know that ultimately my blog posts and ruminations keep circling around and back to the same. Here is another awareness, another piece of consciousness creeping up on me. I think that this may be one of the reasons I haven’t written lately, because it always seems to be about the same ‘thing…’ I wonder if I may ever reach the point that I have said it in enough ways, discovered and became aware of enough, to be done? Guess I’ll find out.

Projections have really been on my mind ever since we have had our daughter. From the day she was born I became über conscious of my own mind’s thinking which was so full of the memories, stories and assumptions about me, and the world around me. I think this happened because I was in the presence of this pure and unclouded new earthling that was a blank canvas of consciousness. I vowed to myself that I would do anything possible to try and show her the world with as little projection of my world put over it as possible and instead would simply help by describing it and for her to form her own thoughts on things. Going alright thus far, but I have become painfully aware of these projections going on all the time, and in ways I never expected.

As I have been observing other parents and people hanging out with our daughter, I began to notice how much people project themselves onto the little beings. It is completely unconscious and innocent, but it’s happening. I have actually had another father tell me that he was tired of his six-month-old trying to manipulate him into feeling sorry for her. That hit me between the eyes, because this particular person is actually very manipulative, and it was shockingly clear to me that he was looking at his daughter through his unconscious lens and thus projecting his own process onto her. A six-month-old does not know how to manipulate, they barely understand that they are a singular human being, so this was a humdinger for me to listen to. I gently asked him to consider this fact, but he shook his head and stuck to his story. This is what I am talking about. We look at the child, and if we are not awake, we look at us instead. And then we base our actions on our own projections and assumptions. As I am writing this, it hits me how messed up that is.

Being with my daughter has put me on high alert with my own movie projection that is going on. I can see it playing more and more and walk out of the theater to make sure that I see my daughter and not my projection placed on her. I don’t always succeed of course, but when I get caught up in the show, I snap to it and stop whatever it is that I am doing at that moment, and then everything shifts and she comes back into focus. It always feels so good, too. Since I have been at this I have begun to see how my projector is running a lot in my everyday life as well.

These projections are of course simply another way to describe the eternal story telling my ego does in all these different ways, but it has been painful and helpful for me to see it this way. It shows up in the simplest stuff, the other day I started saying to my bride ‘Well, you know how (fill in the blank) makes you think…’ assuming that of course it would make her think exactly the same thing as me. These words actually came out of my mouth?! It was one of those nasty little projections doing its thing. Of course no one but me thinks what or how I think, period. But these little projections make me believe that anyone worthy of my attention would be in the same theater as me, watching the exact same movie with exactly the same reactions to what is going on. It sounds silly, but that is precisely how these projections work and in the process create that very limited world view and experience that we have.

Think about this, and how many times in any given day we do this. Why doesn’t this person see how wrong, stupid, ignorant, silly, annoying, dumb, offensive, insulting, etc. they are? This is a question asked from within the theater looking at someone sitting in an entirely different theater and us wondering why they would ever watch their movie, don’t they see how silly their show is? Come over here and join me in my theater, where we watch it all in Imax 3D, it’s like the real world in here. We show you how it really is, not like your little show over there, 16mm projector, sound all messed up, in black and white. Can’t you see that it is just a movie? Come here, let me show you reality. This shows up in the real world in the form of well meaning advice, criticizing, judging, all out fighting, and eventually, war. And we are all missing that we are being duped by our own show.

Having been aware of this little charade has made my life more exhausting lately, simply because there is so much of this going on, but I am also grateful to see these projections, because it is just another way to catch on to the intricate ways of my ego trying to keep me bought into the idea that I am my story, and that this story is all I am.

So here’s to all of us looking around once in a while to make sure we are not sitting in the theater of our ego projections where we get fed nothing but what we already know in so many different shades of grey (see how I did that?). Let’s get out of our seats, and walk out of the theater to see what is really going on. It may end up being a much better experience, especially since we wouldn’t know what’s next…

Cheers,

Ralf

Lost and Found

Guess I had a summer break without planning one. I have had some posts itching in me for the past couple of weeks, so tonight the first one is on.

I have had many experiences with getting lost, in myself and others. There are limitless ways of getting lost and limitless degrees to getting lost, but the reason for it is always the same: complete ego-identification. That is the beauty and simplicity of it. When we get lost, we have all these ways of describing, defining, defending and justifying our lostness. It makes sense to us and once we are lost, we are already fully committed. Once we’re fully committed, it gets harder and harder to see it for what it is, ego-id, and instead becomes a closed logical circuit that builds on itself. It’s akin to buying property in Crazytown.

Getting lost takes a lot of thought. Thought is at the root of our human experience of course; without it, we wouldn’t exist. Unconscious thinking is the issue and is what we employ on our way to getting lost. It may begin with a harmless remark by someone, with an action, anything really that we notice and hold on to, in whatever small way. That tiny bit of holding on, and the thought that goes with it, is like a seed. If we happen to forget to water it through repetition, it will disappear, but if we begin to repeat the notion and keep revisiting it, it will grow. This can happen over years, months or within seconds. Once it takes on some weight and thus meaning for us, the thought will swell up, gain momentum and compound. When that happens we are lost in our thinking and no longer experience it as thought, but as fact. Has someone ever come to you with an issue they had with you, often a while ago? And once they get started you are almost overwhelmed by the sheer amount of thinking they have done about it, and the level of assumptions they are relying on in their minds? It can be quite the spectacle, and we can see that they are lost in their own thinking and rationale, and it has nothing to do with what actually happened any longer. The thinker has become the thought. At that point they’re lost in that thought package, in the ‘issue’ they have.

I have done this so many times, and until I gained some insight into the very elaborate trappings of my ego-identification and how it functioned by making particular thoughts and their patterns real to me, I ended up in Crazytown frequently. Didn’t own property there, but certainly kept an apartment. It’s fascinating to me how even now my thinking can get to me and lead me into lostness. One of my favorites is still the idea that I haven’t amounted to anything in my life. If I am very tired, have an off day and my mood is muffled, this is one pattern that can get a hold of me pretty quickly. Thing is, no one knows me better than I do, so if I fall for that thought pattern even a little bit, bam!, I am right in it. It’s like a hurricane in my head at that point. ‘What have you achieved? No one likes you, you really have no friends. Everything you have ever tried amounted to nothing. Your life is impermanent as it is, and there ain’t much time left, so you may as well face the fact that this was pretty much it…’ On and on it goes. I get completely lost in my thinking. And of course I am the only person on the planet who feels this way at that point, so loneliness usually comes along with it.

The good news is that we can be found again. Sometimes it’s something or someone on the outside that snaps us out of it. It’s important to remember that even though it’s seemingly coming from the outside, we are making the shift internally, snapping out of it. I say that because we never want to lose sight of the fact that we always create the life experience we are having at any moment, and that means that we are always creating our experience. Not to be too repetitious, but it is so important for us to remember, because if we are lost and someone we meet says or does the right thing that has us stop our thought pattern and gain perspective, we often think that they did it for us, but they didn’t. It is of course wonderful to have that happen and have people like that around, but we are the ones who hear them and make the shift. Then we find ourselves again. We realize that what we have been dealing with was not a reality, but our unconscious thought pattern. That what we thought was real, was just that, a thought. A compounding thought nonetheless that kept adding to itself only to create more reality, more fact and justification for feeling the way we did. It does not matter how long we were lost, or to what extent, once we become aware of our thinking as the source, it’s over. Just like that.

In my case I feel as though I am waking up and begin to notice the present moment again. Once I am in that space, gratitude about my life flows in and my mind settles down. Getting found does not mean that I begin to recite a list of successes in my life or come up with anything that counteracts my litany of ‘poor me’ thoughts; that would be like painting my apartment in Crazytown a nicer color. Getting found is all about becoming aware of the pattern, and letting it be. It’s all about not being interested in the drama, the heaviness, the quality of it any longer. That is truly enough. Disinterest kills nagging thoughts.

So welcome back to all who are here. I hope you have had a great summer and managed to stay found most of the time. If you got lost and found yourself again, welcome back as well. If you became lost and still are, I hope that you will consider that it’s all a thought (pattern) and that no one except you gets to decide whether you stay interested in that line of thinking or not. Give it a shot, you may find it (helpful).

Cheers,

Ralf

Drama

Drama is the mojo of the ego-identified life. Without drama, ego-identification has a hard time hanging around.

I have realized in myself that drama isn’t limited to the big events in life, you know, the kinds of events that most people would agree are dramatic. Usually death, war, relationships, etc. When a lot of people agree that certain circumstances are dramatic, then for most of us these circumstances are dramatic when we find ourselves in them. And while we’re in the middle of experiencing this drama, other people confirm this for us in may different ways. They call us or come by to listen and share about similar dramas they have had happen in their lives, by reassuring us that we are not crazy to feel the way we feel, letting us know that this has happened to many other people as well, and to generally agree with and confirm our feelings. This is all beautiful, because they are honestly trying to help. Only, does it really?

When this happens, the drama at hand is still real. I still have to deal with it, experience it and go through it with all the emotional bells and whistles it comes with. Relating to other people in this way does not add perspective to the situation. It keeps me in the drama, and if anything confirms that it is real. I cannot do anything about it. I am in it, I am it. Others are confirming it and sharing how it was for them when it ‘happened to me.’ The idea is that talking to others who have been through a similar drama will lift some of the weight, some of the sense of doom or inescapability of the drama at hand. It shows me that this too shall pass. At some point.

I have had enough drama in my life as well. I used to be addicted to it, as a matter of fact. My complete ego-id life was so full of drama that it had become normal. Actually, when there was nothing to worry about, no drama to deal with, no matter how small, I would freak out a little bit. Why wasn’t there any drama or worry? That was impossible after all. If you had no drama in your life you were either lying to yourself or full of it. Usually I would have a period when there were only the small every-day-middle-of-the-road-dramas, such as the cable bill had an issue and I had to spend time and emotion to fix it through lengthy discussions with the cable person, after punching my way through ten phone menus to reach an actual person. Or a friend was having a crisis (another word for drama) that needed attention. Money issues always came in handy when there was no pressing or serious drama at hand. If this collection of small dramas went on too long, I would freak out a little bit and wonder what was coming, surely something big was about to hit, because there hadn’t been any major drama for so long. It was background noise and always had to be there in some way. Without drama, something was wrong. A life without it meant that you were not serious about life, or dead.

I used to be in this boat, but I got out. I got out the moment I became aware of the fact that everything that had ever happened in my life up to that point made sense. It fit, it had gotten me to where I was at that moment. The good, the bad, the ugly, no matter what had happened to me in my life, no matter how dramatic or traumatic at the time, it fit. I did not suddenly see the trauma or drama as a great thing, no, but I saw it as a circumstance that had happened in my life of endless circumstances, and that all of these combined made sense. This happened to me during a major drama I was experiencing, and with this insight came the instant realization that the current drama was fitting into my life as well. I wasn’t able to see how yet, but it was. This changed the experience of the situation dramatically (pun intended), I was no longer a victim to the circumstance, but simply experiencing it, knowing full well that it made sense. It gave me instant perspective.

As more awareness is in my life, it changes everything. Most of the time I don’t see it, I don’t know how different my life has become, and then someone tells me about their issues or drama, and I have a hard time commiserating, I cannot get myself to participate in their drama, because it simply does not make sense to do so. I recognize that it is real to them, that they are distressed and feeling all of the drama they’re describing, but I also see that it is a mere product of an ego-identified state, and that this is a choice on their part. To some people that looks cold and uncaring, because if their drama isn’t taken seriously, then they aren’t taken seriously, because of course they are it. That’s not it though, I take them seriously, but their drama is simply uninteresting. Much like my own ego’s bs is uninteresting to me as well.

How many times have we worked ourselves up about something, only to find out later that it was the best thing that could have happened? We tried and tried to make that relationship work, lots of drama, and after we finally walked away from it we ended up enjoying the solitude or met a more perfect match. We really wanted to buy that one house, but the seller wouldn’t budge on the price, big drama, and two weeks later another house went on the market on the same block, and it was nicer and we got the price we wanted. On and on it goes, what looked like drama was nothing but the effect of buying into the pompous dance of ego identification and self importance. Drama is serious business and wants to be taken seriously. But that is a choice, not a given. We can sidestep it, cut to the chase and wonder instead what is going to be on the other side of it.

The next time you find yourself experiencing some serious drama, consider that it’s simply life letting you know that you have your head up your ego-id butt, that it is time to drop it, step back, be uninterested in it, and look at your life as a whole. It all fits, it always has, and always will. The drama will pass the moment we are willing to see this, because perspective kills it.

Cheers,

Ralf

Expectations

We have them all the time. We have them of others, of ourselves, and even of life itself. Add to it the idea that I ‘deserve’ something, and expectation can get out of control pretty quickly. Then it becomes a chain reaction.

I have been seeing this in myself a lot lately. I have been working with someone on a project and, without noticing, formed expectations around the whole thing. I expected certain outcomes and reactions from the other person. I expected them to do exactly what they said they would. Sounds reasonable, I know. I can hear you saying that this is normal, to expect a person to do as they say they will. And it is. But how does it serve me? What does it do for me to expect them to deliver exactly the way they said they would? Let’s check this out a little more.

So someone tells me that they will do something by a certain time and date and I rely on this. I expect them to do exactly as they promised. A lot may depend on them delivering this. Maybe a whole project or jobs are on the line if they don’t deliver. Maybe people could get hurt if they don’t deliver. With all this in mind it is perfectly reasonable if not responsible of me to expect them to deliver, right? Well, yes. What has been bugging me about this is that the expectation I hold in myself creates an uneasiness and weight. It is as though I am walking around in a sort of limbo state, waiting for my expectation to be met. Until that happens, the weight and tension around it is within me and won’t release until the expectation has been met. Then I feel that release and for a moment I feel lighter, relieved and as though things are now on track; except the next expectation shows up almost immediately. And if my expectation is not met, disappointment sets in and I end up with double the weight. But no matter what, the next expectation is right there. Whether it’s positive or negative makes no difference. The weight remains, and it’s one after another. It’s really not very pleasant.

All expectations do is add this weight and tension of anticipation. The limbo feeling. They do not produce any movement or creation. They have me hanging around and if I am waiting for someone to ‘come through’ it’s even worse, because now I am stuck with this feeling until they act. I have placed my peace of mind in their hands. If I have expectations of myself to do something in particular, that really sucks, because now I have the added feeling of me having to deliver. Meet my own expectations. Ever had one of those? I better get that project done by the deadline, I better get that A in the class, I cannot forget my partner’s birthday, every New Year’s resolution, etc. A lot of fun to be had there, right? It sucks. So what is there to do about this?

Let go of all expectations. Every-single-one-of-them. I don’t care what the expectation is about. Expectations are based on made up ideas about made up circumstances that we made up to be of importance to us. I can hear you wondering that without expectations nothing would happen. Expectations motivate us. Sure they can, but all I am asking is what the quality of this motivation is. Expectations are like a straight jacket on creativity. They pretty much define what is supposed to happen by whom and when. It’s limiting. Not having any expectation is opening. I am not saying that we don’t make commitments to things, or that we don’t promise to do the best we can. That’s different. I can have someone promise that they will do something and then simply let that be and see what happens. If they deliver on their promise, great, if not, then they don’t. Their choice, not mine. I get to be with this in any way that I choose. I can create any story around it or simply accept that the situation that is presenting itself as an outcome is the one in front of me and I get to be with it any way I choose to. Period. It circles right back to the idea that we create our life experience moment-to-moment, at all times. No one else does this for us. It is my choice to have expectations or not. I let go of all my expectations with the person I was working with and felt an instant sense of relief and room to breathe. I realized that they were either going to do what they said or not, but that this was simply their choice and had nothing to do with me. I let it go and decided to work with them for as long as it feels right, and when it doesn’t, I will stop.

Haven’t you ever had an expectation unmet, got upset, were disappointed, and created whatever drama around it you felt in line with the ‘size’ of the expectation? Then something happened that would have never been able to happen if your expectation had been met? Let’s say you expected your best friend to show up for dinner and they didn’t, and because of this, you decided to go to the library and work on the paper you’ve been avoiding and ended up meeting a girl/guy that you fell in love with? You expected that plane to be on time and it wasn’t, but because of this you met someone at the bar in the airport who ended up offering you a job? You expected your coworker to email the slides on time, but they didn’t and because of this your presentation sucked, you lost your job but ended up deciding to go back to school, or write that novel you have been thinking about? All I am saying is that expectations are a waste of energy and time. With them shit happens to us, without them, we decide what happens.

Take a look inside and see if you can find any expectations hanging around in the background. See how they feel. Notice the weight and tension they have. Then ask yourself what would happen if you simply let them go. Give it a try, the result may not be what you expected …

Cheers,

Ralf

 

Gratitude

This has been bugging me, I have to admit. The fact that I am grateful for stuff, but also manage not to be most of the time. We all know that it’s a good thing, but how often, how much are we really grateful?

Speaking for myself, my ratio could be far better. Too many days I am not grateful, really. I may have a moment or two, there are certain ‘things’ I am pretty much grateful for all the time, such as having my wife in my life, my baby girl, but that is about it. I have been thinking about this and wondering how this can be. Here I am, having written this book, writing this blog about a whole other way to live life, a way that is more aware, more conscious, more by our own choice, and yet gratitude seems to be limited. What is up with that? Shouldn’t I be grateful pretty much all the time? Shouldn’t I know how to choose gratitude? Shouldn’t gratitude be part of living this kind of life? Apparently not.

It’s as though I have to remind myself to be grateful for things. I’ll go about my day, everything is fine, I am meeting people, having interesting experiences, feeling pretty happy and content with life, and yet gratitude eludes me, and I will quite literally have to stop and consciously wonder what I am grateful for. Which means that it’s not there otherwise. This had me stumped for a while. I wanted to feel grateful, I wanted to be appreciative of what I have, and thus be a grateful, humble kind of person. The kind of person who doesn’t expect things, the kind who counts their blessings. That does sound good after all. And especially during the holidays this becomes prominent for most of us. Let’s pause and be grateful for what we have. For the people and the circumstances in our lives. Let’s stop and say thanks. When I do gratitude, it is within a world of comparison. When I had to remind myself to be grateful, I was always grateful about something in my life, such as the people, health, job. It was a gratitude attached to the opposite of all those things. If I didn’t have the people, health and job, then my life would not be as nice and I wouldn’t feel as grateful. I was looking at comparisons, and by saying that things were as good as they were, I should be grateful, because they could be worse, and in fact are worse for others. Some people do this every day, they have that moment of pause to be grateful. After thinking about this for a while something hit me.

Gratitude is not something to do, it is something to be. It is a tude after all not an ing. That’s why I had to consciously stop and make myself be grateful. I was busy doing a bunch of important thinking and had to stop it to find my gratitude. Once I paused, I felt it pretty quickly. But if I stopped the maelstrom of my thinking for longer, it turned into more than gratitude, into a sense of wonder and awe with what was going on at the moment. Almost the way I was as a kid when most of the time the world was a cool and wondrous place. Always something new to discover and do. New experiences to have, newness all around. Something happens when we are in this state, we experience a kind of gratitude for being here, for having experiences. Rather than gratitude, it is a state of grace. Being in that state goes beyond gratitude. It is not about anything anymore, it is simply a state of being. A state where I can see and experience the world differently, again and again. The only way to do this is to know that my repetitive ego identified thinking is giving me the same experiences over and over again, and that once aware of this, I can choose to not engage in it. The second I do that, a space opens up in my mind that is not filled with a particular thought, and bingo, whatever situation I am in looks pretty new and interesting. Seriously, it works.

Whenever I get pissed about someone or something and happen to notice it, I step back, tell that particular thought that I am not interested, and the release and shift in my mind changes the circumstance instantly. It lets me see the moment free of my labels and ideas about it, e.g. how unreasonable/crazy/stupid/mean/awful a person or situation is, and instead move into a state of observation, no judgment about it, and the pompous and urgent action required disappear. The situation has shifted. I am in a state of grace, a state beyond gratitude, a state where it’s not about anything anymore, but about being here and enjoying the crap out of it. Beats gratitude by lengths. Gratitude is good, don’t get me wrong, but it is limited to the world of opposites, whereas a state of grace or being is unlimited. It never ends.

Here’s to gratitude. The next time you remind yourself to have gratitude, take a look at the list of things you are creating. Ask yourself if that is a limitation on your ability to have gratitude.  If you answer yes, step back from the list, and take a look around right here, right now, and take in the world in all its wonder and awe. You may just find yourself graceful.

Cheers,

Ralf

 

Reactive reactionary

That’s a beautiful combination right there. Those two are the gatekeepers of the ego identification castle. When we are a reactive reactionary, we are fully engaged in the ego identification. In other words, we are either reacting to something or want to keep things just the way they are.

Reacting is what we do all day. We get up and react to the weather, the news, our spouse or partner, the kids, our own mood, the way we look, etc. We are reacting to the world and what it presents to us. So when I get into my car and drive to work, and someone cuts me off, I react. And boy, do I. In the interest of my G-Rating for the blog, I may not repeat the things that come out of my mouth in reaction to the … other person. Driving is one of my weak spots, well, that and watching my favorite soccer team suck. I easily slip into my ego skin and find myself reacting. When I am my ego, I am constantly and perpetually repeating the same thoughts over and over again. I do this to create permanence and predictability and therefore feel in control of my existence. A lot of repetition goes on there. So when someone cuts me off in traffic, guess what, been there, done that before, so I know how to react. Open and shut case. Depending on my state of awareness, I may entertain these thoughts for a couple of minutes or a couple of seconds. But I will fall for them most of the time. As mentioned, definite weak spot of mine.

What is fascinating to me about all this is the fact that I am doing the same damn thing every time. I re-act. I act the same way again and again. First in my thinking and then in my actions. So I am literally acting the same way I did before in light of the same ‘situation,’ which is to say in light of the same thoughts. That is a very limiting way to live to say the least. It denies us choice, to be able to see another way of being with a situation, or to act in a way that we may never have before. Instead we go with our well established and comfortable routine and even call that a good thing. I know my brother, sister, best friend, spouse, this is what they’re like, reliable like an old dog, you can count on them to react the same way every time, and it’s also hard to teach an old dog new tricks. By saying this, we simply solidify the idea of that person, and solidify the illusion that they are a permanent fixture in their ways. And what we end up with is the comfort of predictability and repetition. The ego enslaves us to the fake comfort of fake permanence.

The ego is also the ultimate reactionary. It wants to keep the status quo. It does not like change and has to keep things as they have always been, so that it may keep up the illusion of control over its own existence. It holds on to patterns and rituals and declares them essential. The perfect reactionary holds traditions as holy and sacred. They may not be challenged or questioned, and most certainly not changed. That is tantamount to sacrilege. They may not be messed with. If you dare to, you will be met with fierce resistance. This can go as far as physical violence. The ego will stop at almost nothing to defend its status quo and that can include its own demise. It never questions the origins of its dearly held traditions it is willing to die for. It will not entertain the possibility that it was simply made up by someone at some point. Everything the reactionary is so attached to was indeed made up at some point. But the idea that it could be changed or unmade is unthinkable.

There is another level to all this repetition, which is habit. Habits are what the ego is really good at. As the keeper of memory, it is actually the best at it. When I do something a couple of times, the ego stores this experience and makes sure to automatically pull that information when needed. So I will remember not to touch a hot stove. I will know not to grab a knife by its blade. This is incredibly practical and helpful. This does not limit my life experience, it makes it safer. It does not make me fear or hate stoves or knives. I simply use the information to make sure I won’t get hurt. I will remember how to speak my language, how to do math, drive a car, get dressed, eat, walk, etc. All of this is automatic and enhances my experience as a human. It’s a beautiful design. And then we start turning these habits into us, and bingo, we are a reactive reactionary.

All because we forget that we are temporary, that the ego is nothing but the story keeper of our human existence. Because we fall so deeply asleep to forget our own impermanence and that our life is but a mere moment in the vastness of all life. Billions of people have come and gone, billions of stars have come and gone, and billions upon billions will continue to do so. To the ego this is the most frightening fact of all, because when we dare to think like that, our life loses its importance to us, it becomes something we get to enjoy and do, and is no longer who we are. Our mind gets cleared up and quiets down. We begin to get back to our original state of human beingness, not human has been or human will be. The ego goes back to doing what it is designed to do, to give us a safe trip through human land.

Next time you see yourself re-acting, stop the show and realize that you are in the (insert your name here) show and get to call the shots about how this particular episode is going. You are the writer, director, producer and star of this show called your life. And who wants nothing but re-runs all the time?

Cheers,

Ralf

P.S.: I can now talk about the nomination for my book, check out The Book page on the site if you’d like to know more.

The Impersonal Life

We take so much shit personally in life. Seriously, it’s out of control. We are all prone to doing this, just think about it.

We will actually sit in traffic and wonder why it is happening to us. We will get to the check out at the store, all the lines are busy, and we will think that this always happens to us, especially when we’re in a hurry. Bad weather ruins our grill party, flight delayed, car accident, cut off in traffic, dropping a plate full of food, someone else late for a meeting, someone does not return our call/email, guess what, it’s personal, it’s against me, and it sucks. Talk about full ego identification. May as well call it the ‘life is about me’ syndrome. Funny how that sneaks up on us and sets up shop in our consciousness. Once that has happened, life is a very personal affair. Everything is in some way about me, me, me. I know, I say that a lot, but that’s just how it is. In the ego id life, that’s how things come out, that’s what it’s all about. In all these different ways.

One of those ways is to take shit personally. As listed above, most of it doesn’t hold up as a personal issue for very long when looked at with a bit of perspective, meaning whenever we are not in the middle of it. Then it is blatantly clear that traffic is just traffic, lines are lines, etc. But when we are in the middle of it, it sure looks personal. I have taken it personally when a flight on one of my business trips was delayed because of a tornado outbreak in the Midwest. I actually sat at the airport, exhausted and wanting to get home, and felt sorry for my ‘personal bad luck’ that these tornadoes had to hit when and where they did, so that this would happen to me. Not a thought about all those poor people in the middle of that. As I am writing it, it sounds horrible, but at the time it made sense. Notice something? When we take shit personally, it’s seriously about me. We become self-absorbed monsters who couldn’t care less about anyone else. It may only last a few seconds or minutes, or even a lifetime, but while we are in this state, we are not very caring and loving people. Because this shit is about me, damn it, and who looks out for me but me?

I used to think that the alternative to this is to try and think of others before me. To focus on other people’s needs and make my own second. This way, I figured, I would be a good person who will do good things for people. After that I could focus on my own stuff. It was as if thinking of others would make me more selfless and force me to not think of me first, and also not take things personally. After all, if I am at the airport with my flight delayed, I would divert my personal frustration immediately to think about the poor people who may have gotten hurt or lost their homes. My flight delay loses its drama. There is nothing I can do for those people at the moment, but thinking about them and commiserating may help in some way at least. Only, it’s still about me.

I know that this is the moment where I lose some people, because it seems so awful to say that thinking about others is about me. But it is. The only thing that happens here is that we shift the focus of our very personal thinking away from ‘me’ and onto others, but in doing so, my ego id remains fully intact, because now I get to feel good about ‘me’ since I am a good person who cares about others. Others now will see me this way. I can see me this way. I care about others and put them first. That’s the kind of person I am. A good person. And others should know this and recognize this. I give of myself to serve others, others are more important than me. Do you see what’s happening here? It’s still about me. Granted, I may actually help someone else, but it’s not freely shared, it’s given from me to someone else. Strings attached, and if only to be thanked or seen as a good person.

There is a whole other way. It’s the way that is a natural byproduct of living with as opposed to as my ego, or outside of ego identification. Life gets increasingly impersonal. Quite literally, shit simply happens, and we actually choose it to be shit or not. The choice thing again. When we live life more in the here and now, we see choices before us all the time, in all kinds of ways. And if I choose my life experience moment to moment, then why choose to take what happens personally? It actually isn’t, it’s just life happening and unfolding in front of our eyes. It is what it is. Then we choose to turn it into a personal matter, or not. The former leads to all of the above, the latter gives us the impersonal life. We are participating actively in our lives, but we aren’t it. We feel what we feel, but we aren’t the feeling. We experience what we experience, but we aren’t the experience. We are the creator and observer of all this. Life becomes very intoxicating and interesting when lived that way. We still get to do it all, without having to be it all. We can share whatever we choose to share with others freely, and expect nothing in return. We help because we feel compassion, not commiseration. Our lives have a different quality when they are impersonal to us. There is more space and freedom, and more of a sense of sharing in it all, with everyone else. Totally different motivation for one’s own existence. Life is a more expansive affair that we share in, as all others do, and we get to choose our participation in it. Moment to moment, again and again.

Our lives are just a story, and we are the creator of this story. When we think we are the story, shit is personal. When we are not the story, there is no shit and it’s impersonal.

Next time you take something personally, pretend to zoom up above your head and survey the situation you’re in, or look at it as if you were weeks in the future looking back, anything that will help you create some space between you and the drama at hand. Then see what happens. You may just find yourself in a space of compassion for that poor schmuck taking it all so seriously and personally and have a lighter sense about it all.

Cheers,

Ralf

Beyond busyness

There is busyness and then there is busyness. The first is the level of thought activity that has become accepted as normal in our culture, the second steps it up a notch and looks a bit much even to ‘normal’ people.

I have a few people like this in my life, do you as well? They are so busy that I can be around them only for short periods of time. It is that intense. They can barely sit still and have a hard time focusing on anything, or on the person in front of them. Not only are they incredibly busy in their thinking, they also have to pay attention to every single thought. It is as though they live in a constant state of heightened alertness and can never shut it down. Every thought is interesting, every idea has to be considered, every notion looked at. It never stops. I look at them and wonder how it is possible for someone to do this, and to be unable to stop it. One thing that has occurred to me is that they are addicted. Completely and utterly addicted to their thinking. This is a very hard way to live. Much like a physical addiction, we crave the object of our addiction all the time and in increasing doses and levels. Only that in this case there is no object to the addiction. It is untouchable, immaterial, comes and goes and yet makes us possible: Thought.

In and of itself thought is a wonderful tool that gives us the ability to function and create. Without thought, we would not exist. It’s a wonderful ‘thing.’ For someone who lives beyond busyness however, thought runs amok and takes up the entirety of their existence in a way that makes it impossible to be present. For people who are addicted to their thinking in this way, the present is hidden. They cannot see it or experience it, because they are in their thinking all the time, or rather are their thinking. And thoughts are always time bound, about the past, present or the future. They have lost the ability to be the thinker and have fully become the thought. This really limits their abilities and possibilities. All they are is whichever thought they have, and since there is one thought after the other in constant succession, they cannot see that they have a choice about the thoughts they have, because they aren’t having them, they are them. When I am something, I will do whatever necessary to defend it, for by defending it, I am defending me. I am my thoughts, so I will defend them and go to great lengths to do so. To the point of harming my own body. People like that will develop physical symptoms sooner or later, or they will end up in physically dangerous situations due to their lack of presence. And unless they are interested and willing, they will never change this.

It would not be so hard. As always it has to start with a choice. To entertain the possibility that we are not our thoughts, but the thinkers. That they don’t show up on their own, but have to be thought by us. We do the thinking. Not someone else. They are not put in our minds by anyone but us. A thought addicted person considering this is akin to an alcoholic admitting that he has a problem, it’s the first step. This will open the door to more choice. When we are completely our thoughts (or completely ego identified), there isn’t much choice. Thoughts simply come all the time, unstoppable. The moment we consider that we are the thinker, choice reenters the picture. Just that bit of awareness will change our perspective. We see that thought is happening, rather than being it. This opens the door to stop. To simply choose not to have a particular thought. To see it, acknowledge it and send it on its merry way. Once we start this and stick with it, our perspective on our thoughts gets clearer and eventually our minds quiet down and less thoughts show up.

Then we enter into a world where we are the thinker. We realize that we have thoughts and thus get to choose them. We are no longer victim to them and develop a natural kind of quality control which makes sure that our thinking is serving us rather than the other way around. Thought becomes our vehicle to create our experience at every moment, whatever we choose that to be. Thoughts that feel too busy or intense are of no interest to us anymore and thus they move on quickly and show up less and less. Our lives go through a tremendous shift. To the fully addicted this sounds at best practically impossible and at worst like a nightmare. The nightmare being that we end up having no thoughts to speak of and turning into empty, thoughtless vessels. Far from the truth. We are able to have the thoughts that fit the moment, no more and no less. It is far more efficient than any busy mind could ever be.

If you find yourself to be beyond busyness, and managed to read this post to the end, I invite you to consider the possibility that your thoughts are simply that, and that you are the thinker. Play with that idea and see what happens. You may just end up choosing something else entirely. Or not …

Cheers,

Ralf

Rationalization

If opinions are the currency of the ego exchange, then rationalization is the Federal Reserve for this currency. And it will print endless amounts of currency…

Living in ego identification requires a lot of rationalization to justify all the crazy bs our ego comes up with and make it seem at least reasonable and at most absolutely necessary. As a matter of fact, justification is the flip side of this coin. Those two live in beautiful harmony and co-dependence with each other. When we are totally into our ego identification and thus fully committed to being the story it makes up about us, we have to follow through on the story in order for it to work and continue. This is where rationalization comes in. It is a tool for the ego to make us believe and do what is necessary to perpetuate the story, and for it to make sense. Have you ever done something that later on made you wonder whether you had lost your mind? I certainly have, and this is only possible because our ego id story has this built in bs justifier, called rationalization.

The ego will make anything look rational and reasonable to us if it serves its perpetuation. Literally anything. When taken to the extreme this can lead to what we may call mental illness, or horrible trespasses against others (or us). There are mentally ill people that will very reasonably and rationally explain to you, why garbage trucks actually eat people and this is why they have to stay away from them. There are people that can very rationally explain to you why they have to take drugs. This list is as endless as humanity may have thoughts on this planet. There are also a lot of normal people that will rationally explain to you why they knowingly make a product that will harm others. There were (are) people that will very rationally explain to you why they are standing on a train platform at a concentration camp and send people to ‘work’ or into the ovens. Do you see how intricate and perfected this ego tool is? Rationalization will have us say and do things we would never do if we had some perspective. But when we are completely immersed in our ego story and its perpetuation, the perspective we have is limited to the rational and justified options of my ego story. In other words, the perspective is limited to me, me, me.

Rationalization starts out really harmless and takes us wherever we need to go in our story in baby steps. The drug addict didn’t start wanting to kill themselves with drugs, they had to get there one step at a time. It takes time and a lot of rational ego id thinking to get us there. The doctor on the train platform did not start out ready to send people to their certain death, it took time and step-by-step rationalization to get to that point. The ego identification route is one of constant whispers in our mental ear, constant little compromises to get us to take that next step into the story, so that it may continue and make sense. Rationalization provides the ego with the mental ammunition we need to close that access point to our Self, the observer, the common sense, whatever we may call it, that would give us a broader perspective. To open that access point, we have to be willing to stop.

Stop the train of thought even for a moment. To create a space in that deluge of our ego thinking that immediately opens up a gap. Have you ever found yourself going crazy over something and out of the blue you saw yourself going crazy and literally stopped, because you saw the craziness? That is what I am talking about. None of what I write in this blog is rocket science or some big secret that requires years of earnest study, it is ultimately simply a choice. At any and all times, a choice. Whenever we choose to stop and see where we are coming from at any moment, our perspective shifts. We see more. We realize that we can choose to walk away from the story. When we step out of the story, we find ourselves in a land of opportunity, a state where we do not have to rationalize anything in order to do it. We simply feel what makes sense to us at any moment, and our actions are no longer about perpetuating some story, but are about expressing our choice, knowing full well that no one else has to agree or made to agree with it. The motivation is no longer me, me, me, the motivation is being in a space of boundless expression. In that space we are not interested in perpetuating anything about us, we are interested in what is. To be with it, to experience the life situation we find ourselves in, whatever it may be, and move through it. Movement is more interesting than anything else. Life takes on a flow that is pretty amazing actually. When something ‘bad’ happens, we experience it and move through it, when something ‘good’ happens, we do the same. There is nothing to hold on to. That sounds pretty irrational and crazy, right? Well, it does to anyone living in their ego identification anyway…

As always, I invite you to play with this. The next time you see something crazy in yourself or someone else playing out, choose whether you are going to step in and do something to stop it or not. If you don’t, the craziness will only build, if you do, something will shift instantly and your perspective right with it. Promise.

Cheers,

Ralf

Choice

Choice is a beautiful thing. It’s also a real toughie, because if you believe that it exists, your life is your choice, and if you believe that you don’t have a choice, then someone else is choosing for you. In either case, not easy.

I choose to believe that we have choice. About everything, every moment of our lives. No exceptions. As a matter of fact, this really showed up for me in the book towards the end during an exchange between the bird and the protagonist, where they discuss that everything is made up:

“”…I can make up anything I want about anything then.”

“Absolutely.”

“So I am made up as well?”

“Continuously. As long as you choose to.””

It’s such a short little line with incredible implications. This basically says that we choose to make up ourselves, or in other words, we choose to exist. Now, I have heard something of this nature before, but never in that context. Think about this, we choose to exist. As long as we choose to exist, we continue to have this human experience. When we choose not to, it’s done. What happens after, well, who knows. The point is that by and through our choice, we exist every moment of our lives. If and when I choose to end my life, it ends in its current form. Now, this is where an interesting conundrum arises, because this concept makes sense when we actively choose to end our life: we can jump off a building, drown ourselves, take pills, shoot ourselves, set ourselves on fire, drive off a cliff, jump into a volcano, in short there are a lot of ways that we could do this. It makes sense that this is our choice. But what happens to that choice when we die of natural causes or through a tragic accident or event? Is that still our choice or is this the point where we say that someone or something else is choosing that for us? We like to believe that, because who would ever choose an untimely or horrible death, right? But this is where we have to make a very fundamental decision about our take on choice. If I believe that I can choose my existence to end, than this is how it is, no matter how that choice shows up or plays itself out.

I either choose me or not. If I do, than this happens all the time, under all circumstances, always, and in all ways. The kinds and number of choices available to us depend on two things – whether we believe we have a choice and our awareness of it. In the past few years this has become increasingly visible to me. I have been experiencing my own life as a result of my choices more and more. It begins with the mood I find myself in, moves through the circumstance I am part of at any moment, and ends with my place in the universe. It’s my choice. I choose every thought I have at any moment in my life, and when I am aware of this, I choose and thus create a kind of thinking that is clearer rather than confusing, that produces calm rather than agitation, and puts me in charge of the experience I am having. This is very empowering and also freeing. The choice is mine. All the time. To believe this changes our lives.

How far does this choice thing go then? As far as I can tell, all the way, and I am not sure what this means exactly, but I can feel it. This goes as far as believing that even if I was murdered today, that this was my choice. That I chose to find myself in that circumstance, to act the way I did, and to end up getting killed. I truly believe this at this point, and with this I also believe that we choose our lives at different levels of awareness, some of which are not visible to us in our current state of humanness, but are nonetheless ‘there’ and real. I believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, and that we may only be aware of different aspects of this at any time. Including the choices we make at different levels about this human life we are having. By choosing to believe this, the horrors we create, the trespasses we commit against each other, look different. When we dare to believe that we are the creators of our experience at different levels, obvious and hidden, at all times, then the possibility comes into view that we also choose all the horrible things mentioned. We choose this outside of our human view, but we still choose this, and we choose from a place where the duality of good and evil, pleasure and pain, right and wrong, have no meaning. Because limitless, all inclusive beingness is all there is ‘there.’

Told you this was a toughie. It still is for me, and I could be completely wrong, of course. All I know is that choosing to believe in choice this way has made my life more spacious, peaceful and fun. I choose my life at any moment, and am grateful for that. How about you? As always, I invite you to play with this in your life. Will you or won’t you? What’s your choice?

Cheers,

Ralf