What’s the deal with change being so hard, especially when we don’t want it? And even if we want a change, it still takes some adjustment that can be uncomfortable. Why is that?

Change is the enemy of permanence, the very thing that the ego uses to make itself seem real. Thing is, nothing is permanent. Absolutely nothing. Literally. Let’s think about this for a moment. We like to believe in permanence in our lives to varying degrees, certain habits and rituals that we do repeatedly, people that we love and have in our lives, etc. Even though we somehow know that none of this is permanent, the repetitive nature of our thinking let’s us believe that they are. It gives meaning and certainty to our lives. We may rationally know that things never remain the same, that they change all the time, but on the level of experience it doesn’t really register. We like things in our lives to be just so to one extent or another. Some people can get very adamant about things staying the same. When I do what I can to keep change out of my life, I am missing a very vital point: That change is the nature of life. There is nothing we can or have to do about it, except to see it or not.

This is what makes all the difference. If I don’t see change, I am resisting what is. Resistance is the flip side of change. They go together. Resistance as I mean it is not a conscious resistance against something, it is a subtle, ongoing and very powerful trick of the mind to keep us in a state of predictability and permanence. This resistance is made up of the constant talk in our minds about the situation at hand, how it’s good, bad, right or wrong, uncomfortable or wonderful, sad or happy, and on and on in opposites it goes. It’s the labeling that goes on internally all the time. It tells us what to think about what’s in front of us, and by doing so we give ourselves only the experience our mind allows us to have. Let’s say we’re going to our favorite restaurant to have our most favorite dish in the world, and it has all this expectation and joyful anticipation attached to it. We look forward to it all week or at least all day and can’t wait to have the experience. And then we get there and the restaurant has gone out of business. Shock, dismay, disappointment, maybe even rage. We cannot believe it. The night is ruined. I will never have the dish again. Life has been changed and altered in a way that I did not expect or want. We are resisting what is at that moment. We do not want the reality before us to be real, we do not like it and refuse to accept it, at least for a while. That is the resistance I am talking about. It keeps us from accepting what is. Sometimes only for a few seconds or minutes, sometimes for months or years. This happens when we hold on to resistance for a long time, like a grudge against someone, or some other misfortune that has happened to us. We resist the way things are, and instead hold on to our mind’s picture of how it should be. And then we may walk into another restaurant that night, just because we need to eat something, and end up meeting the love of our life, who knew? We all have had experiences like this where a dramatic or even unfortunate event lead to something that far outweighed the drama and instead presented us with a wonderful new gift. All resistance does is prolong the drama in our minds, which is a result of the tension we feel between what we would like the world to be versus what it actually is.

What is important to understand is that the level of subtle resistance in our daily lives is in direct proportion to the uneasiness we may feel during any given day. The more we resist to what is in numerous small ways during a day, the harder of a time we have. Why is traffic so bad, why is my spouse or partner such an ass, why are the kids so difficult, why is my toast burnt, why are people rude, why is it raining, etc.? The second we ask questions like this in our minds, we are resisting what is, if in the smallest ways. The answer to every single question we could ever ask about the circumstances in our lives is always the same: Because it is so and we choose it to be so. I know that’s another toughie, and I still have trouble with this too at times. Still how it is, whether I like it or not. When we do not accept life as it is in every moment, change becomes a pain. Accepting what is without resistance leads to a natural relationship with change.

That’s when change becomes a part of life. We live with the awareness that everything is in constant flux and motion. Ask any physicist about this. Change is the only constant in the world. Nothing is at a standstill, ever. Think about all the molecules and atoms in your own body right at this moment as you’re reading this, that are coming and going. Things dissolve and are created every single moment. Never ending. If you think that you have the same body that you had yesterday, think again. If you think that the home you walk into every night is the same, think again. If the people in your life are the same, think again. Because it is the thinking about these things that keep them seemingly the same, not the ‘things’ themselves. All of the above is different every moment. Never the same. Ever. I know that I am repeating this, because it so important to consider and eventually see. To make it part of our lives. The body, the home, the people in our lives, anything and everything are never the same, except for the thoughts we allow ourselves to have about them. It is thus our thinking that makes change a challenge and hard, not change itself. Change simply is. All the time, all around.

So when you find yourself in resistance the next time, e.g. pissed off, upset or disappointed with the situation at hand, see the resistance you are putting up to what is and allow yourself to consider the possibility that this may simply be your mind messing up your day. And then look at it, laugh at it, and move on. Who knows what may be next, and what change life has in store for you?

Cheers,

Ralf