After writing the last post on honesty and authenticity, more came to mind about it, specifically my own learning around this. To actually be honest with oneself is a toughie to say the least.

When I began to catch on to my incessant ego machine, I was shocked and horrified with how deep the rabbit hole of this was. It was mind boggling, and frankly I had my doubts that I was ever going to be able to get away from this monster that had taken over my life. It felt like a tumor that had spread into every nook and cranny of my existence. How can one get rid off something like that? Die? That was one option I considered, because I was not going to continue to live like this, no matter how. Then I discovered that honesty with myself was going to get me headed in the right direction. I thought that would be easy and ‘do the trick.’ Well, let me tell you, I found out that real honesty with one’s own bs is not for the weak…

The hard part was to realize that I could not believe anything I was telling myself anymore. Nothing. It was a mental tabula rasa if you will. During that time it was almost unbearable to look at the constant shitstorm of my own psyche, everything I was thinking was a lie, a lie based on a lie nonetheless. Everything I was thinking about me or anything in my world was based on the lie of my complete ego identification. Based on this lie, I then told myself that I had to make sure to look good, get my share and generally try to make out ok. This became the basis of my existence, which meant that I would lie to myself and everyone else to varying degrees about pretty much anything that would serve my purpose. That is what I had to face and be honest about.

In the ensuing weeks and months I got to practice being honest about my own thinking. Was I asking someone a question out of curiosity or actually running some kind of agenda? When being nice to someone, was I trying to gain something from them, and thus really for me? Whenever I would make deals with myself, wasn’t I simply avoiding some deeper fear I was running from? When talking to my family, friends or loved ones, was I not trying to manipulate them in even the smallest of ways for my agenda? When meeting new people, was I only talking to them because I would ultimately gain something from it? You can tell that this was quite encompassing and exhausting. In the beginning of being honest with oneself, it can be very discouraging to see what we do to ourselves on a daily basis. The lies we employ to manipulate ourselves and everyone else are truly stunning when seen in the light of awareness. But it gets better and it is worth it.

Now I find myself in a place of a much quieter mind that is not focused on me, myself and I as much, though I certainly can have my moments. Honesty about those moments, owning them and at the same time not holding on to them makes it much easier to be. Plus, when this kind of honesty becomes a habit, there is not much room left for the bs we like to produce, and if we do, it is honestly very uninteresting. I am no longer interested enough in the lies my ego tries to whisper in my mental ear in an attempt to take over and make my life miserable again. Because that is exactly where it will lead, and I have been there and done that.

So honesty of the helpful kind, the kind that is not of the ego, really challenges us to stay the course of authenticity with ourselves and thus the world around us. It is not for the weak, it takes rigor and discipline in the beginning, only to get easier with practice and eventually becoming part of who we are: someone who is no longer interested in the dishonesty and lies of an ego identified life.

The next time you catch yourself in one of those sneaky little and oh-so-comfortable lies, stop and take a look at what you’re doing. And then choose whether you would like to see what happens if you didn’t believe yourself.

Cheers,

Ralf