Category Archives: Choice

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Busyness

The other day I was listening to someone talking about the busyness in their life, only they didn’t realize what they were talking about.

It is so interesting to see how we have come to look at ‘being busy’ as such a badge of honor. Someone who is busy is equated with being valuable, a hard worker, and a good person. Unless they get too busy and begin to suffer. Much like it is with having an ego. There are very different forms of busyness, we can simply be physically busy, we can be busy with meetings, chores, general appointments and things that ‘need to get done.’ This is all very obvious and there are many people out there offering all kinds of tools to be more effective with this kind of busyness. I am talking about another kind of busyness though, the kind this person was unknowingly demonstrating.

There is an underlying self-absorption going on that keeps us busy in a very subtle but powerful way. It tells us that we constantly need to think about ourselves in one form or another, because if we don’t, we basically aren’t functioning or exist. It is incessant. This self-absorption is all about me, me, me. I have to think in order to exist, and I have to express that thinking to the rest of the world in some way to show that I exist. This can take on limitless forms of course. It can also be tricky, because a quiet person in the corner that feels that no one likes them and that they have nothing to contribute may look like they’re not busy, but they are just the same. They are simply busy thinking about themselves in this particular way of unworthiness, rather than worthiness, and it shows up differently. But this is the same self absorbed thinking on two different ends of the ego identification spectrum.

This busyness eats up our lives. It won’t ever let us rest, for even when we are ‘resting,’ we are thinking about the fact that we deserve or need this rest as a break from the busyness … It is so incessant because this type of self thinking is entirely focused on my existing. There is a built in idea in our ego identification that requires this type of thinking to make me real, to make me more permanent in this world and life, which this ego sees squeezed into the life span. So it makes perfect sense to do this. This also creates a never ending restlessness and underlying urgency to all things me, because I only have so much time to accomplish whatever I choose to. This is a very hard way to live. And it’s always dramatic to varying degrees.

There is a whole other way to be in this life. It requires a willingness on our part to have some perspective, a perspective that goes beyond the time bound and limited idea of ‘me.’ Every religion or spiritual tradition that humanity has ever created is pointing to this perspective in one way or another. Funny enough, even Atheism is ultimately pointing beyond this life as well. Whenever we step into this perspective, something inside shifts. We have a bigger sense of space inside, more time, more peace with everything. The urgency drops off and we can see our own lives a bit more impersonally. This sense of the impersonal, looking at our own lives as more of an episode in a larger stream of all that is this life and beyond, expands us. With this comes a decompression, quite literally, because we see ourselves more as an aspect of something larger rather than this small me compressed into what I call my life. Busyness has no place in that. Here we are simply taking action when required and have the thinking necessary to deal with the life situation at hand, no more and no less. Decisions come easier, choices are clearer and life in general loses a lot of its drama. I begin to participate in what I observe to be ‘my life,’ rather than being that life. It really takes a load off.

I hope you will play with this perspective and see what happens.

Cheers,

Ralf

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Worry

Worry is the sticky glue of the mind.

It seems like such a good idea on the surface, it seems to say that I care about someone or something, otherwise I wouldn’t worry about it. Worry can only be focused on the future or the past, but never the present. I worry in the present, but the second I do, I am taken out of the present to thinking about something in the future or the past. When we worry, we are wondering about an undesirable outcome. It may be about the past, where we wonder whether something that has happened may yet have a negative impact on our lives, or about the future, where we wonder about something that has not occurred yet. Doesn’t it actually sound a little goofy just reading that?

Worry comes along as this reasonable emotion, because it is based on the idea of caring. We worry about each other, about our possessions, about the weather, the economy, the cable guy coming, etc. The list is literally endless and as creative as there are people on this planet. And it sticks in our minds like glue. Worry seems really hard to get rid of. One way is to convince ourselves that things are going to turn out alright somehow, which is hope. But hope is the flip side of worry and thus really no better. It feels better, but it’s made up of the same stuff as worry, which is fear. So when we replace worry with hope, we are simply refocusing our energy to a more positive emotion, but the underlying emotion is still just as fearful. For I am afraid of the future not working out the way I would like it to, or I am afraid that what I hope for may not happen. Not a nice place to be.

When we worry or hope, we are lost in time, looking to the past or future, which we will never experience because they are both not now. And the only ‘time’ we exist is now. We can worry only now, and can hope only now. That is all there is. When we begin to see that, the glue in our mind begins to dissolve. We get to choose whether we keep sniffing the glue of our worried or hopeful minds or not.

There is nothing to worry about or hope for when we are present. The present is a space where worry, hope, or any time bound emotional concept cannot exist. Have you ever been in a moment of complete contentment? The kind of moment when there was nothing in particular on your mind? When the only ‘thing’ on your mind was a feeling of deep and quiet joy? We all have had moments like this, and they are not connected to any particular situation or event, they can show up anytime and anyplace, but they have this feeling to them. If you have indeed had a moment like this before, then you have been fully present and experienced a moment without fear. And without fear there is no worry about anything, and nothing to have to hope for, simply because at that moment, life is perfect. It is a state of presence.

That is all being present is, a feeling. But that is also ALL. Are you willing to stop sniffing the glue?

Cheers,

Ralf

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Opinions

Opinions are so uninteresting.

We are all raised to believe that having an opinion is very important, and that being able to express it or stand up for it is a sign of a strong person. In a world of ego identification that makes total sense, doesn’t it? If I live my life as my ego, then everything about me is about that ego, and since ego has to maintain a sense of separateness from everything around it, opinions are a great way to prove and solidify its existence. For if I have no opinions, I may as well not exist. Having an opinion and making it known to the world is the mark of the ego. It is expressing its existence and showing its uniqueness and strength to the world, and most of the time competing with or aligning itself with others’ opinions. It makes it feel real.

Plus, through the constant exchange of opinions with others, the ego can measure and test out its validity. ‘How real am I?’ it asks. And through the constant forming, shaping, expressing and having of opinions, it answers that question. It makes no difference if my ego believes whether its opinions are worthy, the best in the world, unworthy or the worst in the world, these are simply expressions of the opposite ends of the same idea: that I am somehow my ego. Whether I create that ego to be weak or strong, and the opinions to go with it, still only gives me the limited ego experience.

Within this framework, opinions are so interesting and basically serve as the currency of ego exchange. They are traded and (e)valuated constantly and most people want to be part of this market. That is the world of media today. If you take a moment and watch any news media, talk show, or read a paper, blog, or, for that matter, social media, you will find this market of opinions. Everyone tries to have the most original, interesting, powerful and self-assured opinion possible to be the most attractive to the buyers out there. They talk over each other, they judge other opinions to no end, they bully and persist with their opinion to be the most right. That is the state of affairs.

I used to be addicted to this opinion market, but not anymore. When I now find myself having an opinion on something, my ‘ego alert’ comes on and lets me know that I am in ego identification mode. I shut up, get quiet, call a time out on myself, and let it pass. For whenever there is an opinion going on, ego is afoot. Living with (rather than as) my ego, I still have my own views on things, I still agree or disagree with things, I still like and dislike … but in that space it is merely my preference for the moment. It’s a very different feeling. And much easier to be with. Not only is it not attached to my sense of self (worth), it is also something I can much more easily change and thus it remains fluid and flexible. I don’t have to express preferences to validate me, I don’t have to convince others of them to feel superior or right, I don’t have to defend them, because they are not me, they are simply something I feel at the moment.

Funny enough, to the ego, preference looks weak. Opinions are where it’s at in the ego world. This is a big lie. Because the rigid never does as well in life as the fluid; one breaks eventually, the other moves and evolves.

Opinions are rigid and separate people. Preferences are fluid and keep our minds open. Which one do you prefer?

Cheers,

Ralf

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Fear

Fear is a sneaky little bastard.

What has amazed me over the past couple of years is that it shows up in ways and places that I would have never thought of as fear. I remember reading about the idea that there are only two emotions we as human beings can feel, love or fear. I liked that. It made sense. One was the ‘good’ feeling, the other the ‘bad’ feeling, but both were part of the deal and of essential nature. This whole notion has changed for me, because these two emotions only exist in the realm of ego. Let me explain.

In the writing of my book, I was often confused and left in disbelief with what came out. One of these was the idea that love and fear as we talk about them are actually an illusion which only exists in a world of duality. Within the realm of ego, duality is necessary, because without it, there would be no ‘me’ to experience. Beyond that duality, there only is love. A love basically beyond human understanding, but not experience. That love is the real deal, it’s the space where all exists, before, in, and after time that is. Not that I understand that, but I can feel it.

Love and fear as opposites makes perfect sense, but the love in this case is actually fear in sheep’s clothing. We think of fear as this emotion that is frightening, upsetting, or in some way negative. Since love feels the opposite of this, it certainly does not feel connected to fear. But it is. This love is always attached to some thing, be it a person, idea or circumstance, it does not matter what the focus of my love is, it is attached to it. When this attachment is lost or no longer available, the love is lost as well. Deep down we know this, which is why we will often go to absurd lengths to keep around that to which our love is attached. And we are thus constantly afraid of losing it. What if my partner won’t love me anymore? What if I can’t do/have my favorite thing in the world anymore? That is some scary shit.

This is also why fear is so sneaky. It shows up in both of these ways, and when it comes dressed up as love, it really fools us. This is a very limited way to experience life to say the least. It never lets up, because if we are in fear, we try to get away from it as much as we can, or try to face and overcome it, and when we feel that attached love, we’ve got to make sure that we keep it around.

The other love is not attached to anything. It is simply a deep feeling that arises in us regardless of our life situation. It is utterly reassuring and puts us at instant ease. With it we are thrust into the present moment, and in the present there is nothing to fear, because fear needs the past and future to exist. With the real thing, we are (in) love, period. That is fearless, because there is nothing to lose, nothing to hold on to. It is freedom.

So here’s to catching on to that pesky and sneaky fear in our lives.

Cheers,

Ralf

 

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Recovering from ego identification

I used to be into ego identification. I am now recovering. Let me explain.

The whole ego thing had always been something of a confusing concept to me. I grew up learning that having one was not only important, but that you needed to make sure to have a strong and good one, and be able to show that to the world so that others may take you seriously. You didn’t want to overdo it though, too big an ego was frowned upon and not seen as an advantage. Thus it was important to find just the right balance with this, not too much and certainly not too little. So I worked on mine and tried hard to find the right balance.

Over the years I ran into all kinds of definitions and theories on ego, but they all had as a common theme that it was real and something to deal with. As I got into the spiritual community and became a ‘spiritual seeker,’ the ego was often talked about as the ‘enemy,’ or at the very least something to ‘transcend.’ I created a version of ego that looked spiritual, sounded spiritual, but wasn’t spiritual. And that, as I found out to my surprise years later, was simply so, because the ego is neither the enemy nor does it have to be transcended, it has to simply be seen for what it is: A keeper of information on an individuated level to enable us to have a functional human experience. Nothing more and nothing less.

Once this realization hit, the ego and the idea that it is me diminished rapidly. There is a choice to be made here. Do I live my life as my ego or with my ego? Huge difference. With this the questions about how to overcome or transcend it become meaningless. Once I see that, I live with my ego, which makes my individuated functional human experience possible. That’s it. Your whole perspective shifts. Suddenly there is this other ‘me’ that sees ego in its rightful place and function, but I am no longer the ego, rather it is simply a useful aspect of me.

This is freedom. We see the ego doing its job most efficiently, and when we have bouts of ego identification (as I call them), they tend to pass rather quickly because they really don’t feel very good. Ego identification is fear. For when I am my ego, I am trapped in the time bound version of me, the one that is born, does some shit, and dies. And that even sounds depressing. The ego is temporary and when I am identified with it, I desperately try to deny and hide from that fact by making it more real and more permanent through personal experiences, and that is one fearful existence. For when the ego dies, I die. That is why the ego identified state is one of constant alert, after all, we know deep down that it is only temporary and try to hide this fact from ourselves. So we make a lot of noise, and the best noise in ego identification is one of competition with other egos, only second to competition with itself. Thus we spend a lot of time of our lives defending and building up our egos only to find out at some point that it is the least real part of us.

Even entertaining the possibility that we are not our egos, but the one seeing it, changes everything. I don’t have to worry about keeping up my ego/me, doing maintenance on it/me, making sure other people see it/me, always making it/me look its best, etc. Life is no longer about me in that smallest way, instead it is about living here and now, while being able to see this at work in others with the compassion and understanding of a recovering ego addict.

So I invite all of us to have some fun with this idea and choose to stop the ego identification when we notice it. Whenever we feel any kind of negative or positive drama, no matter how mild or severe, we are in full ego identification mode. Dramatic emotions are a hallmark of this state, and can serve as great information and wake up calls. They can either put us deeper to sleep or awaken us. Our choice, as it always is.

Cheers,

Ralf

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Eternally temporary

I went to my wife’s former middle school today to spend some time with the kids. Before I went she reminded me that she used to roam those halls a mere 21 years ago. So as I roamed the halls I was trying to imagine her running around between classes, chatting with her girlfriends, all wide eyed about her unknown future and her life ahead of her. Now in her mid-thirties, I know that most people would agree that she still has her life ahead of her, as I am sure a 100 year old might say that to a 70 year old. But what if we all had a life expectancy of 150 years? How would that change the way we looked at our lives at 65? We would ‘expect’ to barely have gone past the first third of our life. Would we still retire then? Would we maybe take a break from work for a couple of decades only to start another career? Would we wait with having kids until we’re in our fifties? Think about how everything would change with that shifted expectation in mind.

At the same time, we could always die ‘prematurely,’ just as we do now. We could sit and wonder about where time has gone by the time we’re 140 and in different ways prepare for the impending ‘end.’ So in a way nothing would change. I think that’s very human of us. We are the only beings we know about who can think about themselves in a fully conscious way and ask ourselves who we are, why we’re here and what it’s all about. With that comes our very acute sense and obsession with time. We know that time is relative – ten minutes waiting for bad news feels like an hour, while spending an hour with a loved one can feel like a second – but we never really consider how incredible that very difference is.

Nothing lasts. Absolutely nothing. Countless processes are at work in our bodies at any moment, as there are countless more on the planet. Things coming and going all the time. Any thought we have comes and goes in a flash, and unless we could remember to repeat a thought, we would remain like babies. So this is a good thing, don’t get me wrong, but it happens automatically and we don’t have to do anything to be able to function very well as a human being. Where it gets challenging is when we get lost in time and try to create a sense of permanence around what we call ‘me’ to feel more real. You know, like telling stories with old friends about the ‘good old days,’ looking at pictures from past adventures, thinking about the things we have achieved, etc. Then we add to this ideas about our future, things we want to achieve, places we want to go, things we want for ourselves and others. All of this is inherently done to make ourselves feel more real, more permanent. It’s because we live our lives solely within the time bound confines of birth-to-death. In this model that past and the future is what defines us, what makes us unique. Without the past and future we would not exist, because there would be no reference point, no ‘content’ to our lives.

But what if we lived our lives in the relativity of time? What would change? Think about that. We would be present-bound, not time-bound. We would still have memories of the past and thoughts about the future, but we wouldn’t be them. We would be here and now, period. Our ability to remember things would simply enable us to live our life, but they would not be us. Time would become as immaterial to us as it truly is. There is a lot of freedom in that. Ask any older person who is deeply content and happy, how they feel about time. I think in their own words they will tell you that nothing is permanent, and that all they enjoy is the moment. Nothing is eternal. Everything is temporary. It’s all eternally temporary.

Depending on how you live your life, that can be deeply disconcerting or deeply reassuring.

Cheers,

Ralf

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Choosing the ‘story of my life’

My bride and I were on a walk the other day, and a woman and her a friend walked by, talking. One of them said to the other: “So I guess I am going to have to tell them my life story.” That really struck me for a couple of reasons. One, we say so many things in any given day that really shine a light on how things actually are but we barely notice, and two, how much meaning her statement had.

We say that line as such a throw away, don’t we. ‘You really want to hear my life story?,’ ‘He/She tells everyone her life story,’ or even better, ‘Story of my life.’ Let’s look at this with a little more depth. When we talk about our life story, on a certain level we recognize that our life is just that, a story. But only to a certain degree, where it’s still safe. Safe for the ego/story, safe for it to maintain the illusion that we are, in fact, the story. We never stop to see how much deeper than that safe degree we could go with that simple, but very powerful and accurate statement.

When we entertain the possibility that our life is a story, then immediately we have to wonder about who is doing the telling of it. That’s easy enough, it’s me. And then we feel that we might overwhelm or bother people by telling our life story, so we keep it short and simple, and move on. Too bad. Next time we sigh to ourselves “Story of my life…” (usually when something bad happens), stop and look at that. It is truly the story of our life. It’s a story we not only tell ourselves, but the story we continually craft and create. All the time. Incessantly. And most of all, unconsciously. That is the important piece. And because we do this unconsciously, our story continues on, seemingly without our participation or input.

But what if we woke up to the simple fact that we indeed write, craft and create our stories? What if we realized that this ‘story of our life’ was not happening to us but by us? It’s a game changer, let me tell you. Suddenly we become aware of how much we tell ourselves on any given day. How many ‘mini stories’ we have going all the time. ‘I am a loser, a winner, the best, the worst, the mediocre, will never amount to anything, am the greatest person alive, other people suck, it’s my parents fault, my fault, his fault, no ones fault, God’s fault, why me, why not me?’ and on and on and on… Once we notice this, we can either stay with that growing awareness, or go right back to being a victim to our own story.

If we choose to take the matter of our story into our own creative hands, the jig is up on the illusion. The illusion that things and life happen to us, because all we are is our story. Instead we discover quickly, that life is a creative endeavor of choice. To choose anything. Nothing limits our freedom of choice, short of physics and our own minds. The magnitude of this escapes us at first, but when we begin to understand and own this simple fact of our choosing everything, everything actually changes. If we even consider the above to be true, then some questions come to mind: Why would we choose to create miserable stories? Why would we choose to believe them to be us? Why would we choose to continue on in the same manner? The beautiful point is that we can choose not to. And when we start to notice the incessant ‘story telling’ in our minds and begin to see it for what it is, we begin to get less and less interested in these ramblings until we stop feeding them altogether and become something very wonderful: present.

It’s our choice. Again and again.

Cheers,

Ralf